Put down your fucking hand and shut the fuck up

I was actually going to write about the gays tonight but I decided against it while I was going through some coarse material for my studies. However, don’t be disappointed, I will in the near future, I promise you, be writing extensively on homosexuality and all its’ glory.

To bring attention to the theme under review I will explain to you how this topic came to mind. While filtering through some of my class-wide emails I come across a message from a young pupil of mine who seemed to not understand what was meant by having an assignment do BEFORE class began. And my answer to him is: what the fuck do you think that means? Hand in your goddamn, shitting, C-, piece of living kife in before the start of the boring fucking lecture. This Doctor IQ seemed not to be able to rap his mind around the concept of putting a piece of paper in the hands of the professor outside of the allotted time on his class schedule.

Excuse me sir you’re actually going to need to split the fucking atom or your genitals will be exposed to everyone in class – that is what is meant by handing in an assignment prior to the start of the lecture.

Why do people ask such stupid fucking questions? – “How do I hand it in?” – Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the actual content of your assignment than the obvious protocols for submission?

Another popular question concerning paper due dates is when people ask the professor “can I hand it in early?” To these people I say: “A: no, because you’ll be castrated if you hand it in early; B: get a fucking life and work on your assignment like everyone else by writing its’ entirety the night before it’s due; and C: are you an idiot?”

There seems to be many obvious questions being asked by people that are supposed to be graduating from a post-secondary school at some point in the future and will be a part of a responsible working and business class. You’d think they’d realize that there’s going to come a day in their lives when they are going to have to make a decision themselves without asking an authority figure for permission or advice on something blatantly obvious.

Another thing that gets my panties in a naught is when students ask instructors, or their peers, for information that can be easily obtained by accessing a central database that stores and delivers megatons of knowledge daily – this being the World Wide Web. I don’t how many times I’ve heard someone ask where and when something is due and/or the date and location of an exam or test. Did they think that this information was only available through word-of-mouth? The university doesn’t post exam schedules or coarse outlines you have to interrupt the lecture by inquiring the prof on such crucial particulars. This isn’t directions to a fucking party, this is information that is important and organized through the use of technology that has existed for the past two decades. “What day is the test?” It’s on this invention called “the Internet,” you’re actually supplied with what is called an “email address” by your university/college where you can exchange, post and obtain such trifling facts and figures. It’s not like the prof has memorized the exact room number of an exam that is not going to take place for another two months, or everyone in class knows the day of the week that the final assignment due date falls on. What am I going to pull out a fucking calendar in the classroom? Look it up, stupid!

This kind of paradoxically, hypocritically and ironically (as well as rather eloquently, if I may say so myself) brings me to my next case in point. Over and over again I’ve overheard random kids ask each other what the date is. “What’s the date?!” I should be asking you what millennium this is. Who the fuck doesn’t have a cellular phone, portable computer, or the sense of sight in this year of our lord, 2009? Check your fucking phone for the date! Believe it or not the technology exists for there to be a telephone-clock-calendar hybrid. And what do you need to know the date for anyway? You date your notes? If you’re writing on a laptop that shit is stored! Fucking dates? Who gives a shit?!

I am going to now conclude my exposé by taking a shit on all those flipping, annoying son’bitches that put their hands up every two and half seconds in class so they can squeeze a meaningless, ignorant and completely useless comment in for the whole god damn lecture hall to hear. These people can go fuck themselves. Remember in Full Metal Jacket when the whole platoon beats up that kid with soap because he made things worse for everyone? We need to do the same thing to kids that put up their hands too much. Seriously, they’ve got to go. I know every one of you who is in school has at least one of these bastards in each class and every one in that class hates that fucker. Let’s do it and let’s do it quick – gag these mofos. Our education is on the line, people!

After we’re done smothering these douches we’ve got to address the source of the problem. What needs to be understood is that the instructor is the leader and ultimate authority in the classroom. The teacher alone has the ability to refuse questions from hand-up regulars and/or request they’re shutting the fuck up. It takes some balls but you won’t get anywhere in life without a large set of semen producers.  If there is any training what so ever for college and university instructors (which I sincerely doubt there is) the first thing they should learn is when to tell people to be quiet. This goes for assholes that are having a box social at the back of the class, or the cocksuckers who put their hands up too much. Put those son’bitches in place, sir or madam.

Regrettably, I’ve noticed that a lot of professors actually encourage students to speak out and make comments during class. This is horseshit. Professors that are doing this are attempting to bring themselves down to the level of the common man by having a conversation with someone outside of the ivory tower they live in. As a tuition paying, fulltime student I’m not in class to hear some jackass with no diploma or degree talk about the issues under review, I want to hear the pompous dick that is marking my essays talk. There’s a reason why professors have a PhD. While they’re fully capable, and sometimes likely, to be wrong or bias in their teachings, the degree of reliability in their info is irrelevant. All I want to know is what is going to be on the test. I’ll write down that god created the heaven and earth with all its’ creatures in 10 fucking days a few thousand years ago if it’ll get me good marks on the exam.

Now, I know there are a lot of bleeding hearts out there that say students are under a lot of stress and it is a new and intimidating experience to go to university or college and people act differently or they may not be that knowledgeable of social norms and practices.  My rebuttal to that point is: when we have a consensus throughout the registered students of a class that a small minority are being an annoying douche bag, then these people have to go and we’ve got to feed them to the fucking wolves. It’s like in a zombie movie or story about a group stranded on an island or boat; if someone is going against the grain and holding everyone else significantly back we’ve got to through that mofo overboard. We must move forward. Furthermore, if it is just either you or I, you better be damn sure that it is going to be ME NOT YOU when the shit hits the fan! Put down your fucking hand, stop asking ridiculous questions, exercise some obvious courtesy for the betterment of this fellowship we call the human race.

 

The Logical Debate: An Endangered Species

I consider myself to be somewhat of a moderate and maybe that is why I am capable of realizing the pros and cons of state intervention and its’ consequences. It is becoming increasingly clear that political debate is less about arguing between bigger or smaller government/higher or lower taxes and more about propaganda, bullshit and an irresponsible ignorance of the facts. The reforms being debated in the US concerning health care, for which I support in its’ most substantial form, is an example of this loss of logic. Up here (in Canada) many post-secondary students this past week took part in what was called a “Day of Action” in the vain hope of lowering the cost of university and college education for those enrolled. During both of these debates there has been very little discussion of the actual pros and cons of government spending – and in the case of US health care debate if such monetary issues are mentioned they are terribly inflated by the rightwing of the political spectrum. Quite paradoxically during Canada’s Day of Action the protesters wanted tuition “lowered” but they failed to comment on how this would be achieved – logically higher taxes or a movement of funds from another area of government spending.

In the United States of America there is something like 50 million people without health insurance. The American “system” of healthcare provides for emergency room service, coverage for the very poor and the elderly. Ironically (or consequently, depending on how you look at it), the US government pays more per citizen than the Canadian government does in our system of universal single-tier healthcare. Any citizen outside of the system in the US leaves their healthcare in the hands of the free market. The problem is many of the 50 mil or so without insurance can’t afford the high costs of for-profit healthcare. So liberals in the US want to allow those Americans to have the OPTION to be covered by the government. Now, a lot of rightwing radical, lunatic, corrupt, unsympathetic, self-admitting ignorant folks in the US who are against such legislation are calling these reforms “Nazism” and/or “Socialism” and/or “Communism.” All these systems of government could not, and do not, co-exist within political and sociological reality, as we know it. Thus anyone who takes the above view against healthcare reform seriously is a fucking idiot. The actual possible flaws of such reforms are, logically, increased government spending, higher taxes for the rich and complications in the registering of the uninsured.  It’s not in any way totalitarianism, it’s simply liberalism and it has its pros and cons – both of which should be considered. Unfortunately there is no actual opposition to such legislation because those that claim to be opposing reforms actually have no idea what the fuck they are talking about and/or are completely corrupt. It is obvious such reforms are necessary and they would inevitably have their costs that are a means to an end and a major component of the progressive tax system that’s existed in the greater part of the Western World since the Second World War.

A similar debate did not take place during the mentioned Day of Action last week. Students across the country protested the cost of what I think is college and university tuition. Not only did the protestors not layout how students could pay less for post-secondary education they were incredibly vague and failed to really stand up for any political cause other than not wanting to pay for something. Firstly, the student slogan was simply “drop fees” – what kind of fees? Tuition fees? What about fees outside of tuition that students are forced to pay as well? Where’s the money going to come from? The government aka our taxes aka the taxes students will be paying by the time they graduate with the jobs they got because of their college diploma or university degree?

The Drops Fees campaign was a part of a bigger movement entitled “Poverty-free Ontario (or Canada I can remember…)” which would lead one to believe that the protestors think of students as poverty stricken. I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb here to state that there is a bit of a difference between me & the guys I party with on weekends and the smelly hobo with the empty Tim Horton’s cup outside the grocery store. Priorities need to be organized a little better than to assume that all students in Canada live in poverty and should be treated as if so. Also, the students who aggressively advocate for “lower tuition”, along with the great majority of the organized far left in Canada, never disclose their actual political contentions. There is nothing wrong with being a social democrat or even a socialist but there is something blatantly insecure and hypocritical about not being able to use those political terms to describe oneself or advocate for higher taxes on the rich along with its’ twin component of more public spending if that’s what you believe is best for the country. Obama and some of the Democrats in the US have the scrotum to discuss higher taxes for the wealthiest of Americans in order to provide assistance for the poor.

I would like to make clear that I am not against the lowering of student expenses. I am a student and a lot of shit I pay for is expensive especially considering it’s impossible to earn a decent living while studying. However, I don’t support blanket legislation that would simply cap tuition and allow for any increases to be covered by the public purse. Firstly the drop out/failure rate needs to be considered when further subsidizing education because all the money spent on students who don’t complete their program is more or less a complete waste of taxpayer’s funds. Money would be better spent in the opening of government funded student loans to include those whose parents are high income earners as well as increases in spending for scholarship offers to students who prove to keep a high grade point average.  While these measures are costly they are fiscally much more responsibly than throwing taxpayer’s money at the hundreds of thousands of students that register every year regardless of their intentions to complete their studies. Secondly, tuition itself is only one part of what students pay when they register for school. If tuition were capped and further subsidized universities and colleges could still charge students enormous fees for what post-secondary administrators could independently deem outside of tuition. This is a very serious issue that gets little or no attention from political elites and student activists alike. It’s obvious that public money would be better spent in weeding out corruption at the university/college level and administering better efficiency than simply “dropping fees.” Students are getting fucked, that is for sure, but we need to know which orifice is being penetrated and understand how we can better block that cock.

Sadly, the above arguments and obvious observations were very much absent from the signs, banners and literature that were part of the nationwide student protest. It should also be noted that education is a predominately provincial issue thus students with signs at Parliament Hill in Ottawa might have got some questionable looks from politically informed observers. Furthermore it is very doubtful that the Prime Minister (even if it was within his, or his government’s, power) looked out of his office on the Day of Action at the protestors situated on a place of grass that is occupied daily by shouting sign-holders with grievances they want the government to handle and thought “today we’re going to listen to this group!” People go to Parliament, Queens Park and any other legislatures everyday to rally. It is no longer consequential to protest in this way, unless the numbers are significantly substantial, because rallies are a dime-a-dozen in this day and age.

Now I’ve attempted to shine a snippet of logic on two very different debates that many people, for some reason or another, are very passionate about. Pertaining to the first issue discussed we have people in the US that want the government to have a bigger role in providing healthcare with the funding of more taxes on the very wealthy and/or a relocation of expenses. And those opposed to healthcare reform are unfortunately either propagandists backed by big medicine or overly nationalistic douches that will get behind anything that uses the words “freedom” or “USA” as long as it doesn’t involve black people or gays. And here in the greatest country in the world students take their turn at waving signs at politicians because they think they are paying too much to get the education that will allow them to become a part of the same hypocrisy that they protested when they were in school. Could either of these be considered a logical debate? I think not.

My biggest regret: not ever murdering someone I don’t like

Have you ever had, or have a friend presently, or someone you worked with whom you cannot fucking stand for the life of you? And you see them every goddamn fucking day and they are so predictable their in lack of intellect and social skills that you know exactly what kind of rife horribly annoying action they are going to attempt next? I’ve encountered more than a few of these people in my lifetime; I am sorry to say. Unfortunately, I never got up the courage to put these mofuckers in place. My politeness and fear of confrontation held me back. What I’d really wish I’d done with these people, short of ending their vile existence on this otherwise peaceful planet, is to be as blunt and unrestrained as possible.

Who is to blame for these people? A number of you may argue that no one is – that people are born with certain traits and dysfunctions, and it is up to us, as Christians, to love them for who they are. Well if you think this than you’re either one of these son’bitch annoying people I’m talking about or you’ve never had the pleasure of working or going to school with some of the assholes I’ve had the misfortune to meet.

To answer the above question – I say we blame the parents. Well…we blame the shitty person first for what they do and then we hold the parents responsible. It’s like if someone goes out and shoots up a school and it is found later that the kid who went on the rampage was abused as a child by his mother and father; it is needless to say the parents had part in making their child do what they did. The same could be said for people who eat really loudly. This is fucking disgusting – it’s probably the most annoying, widespread habit I’ve noticed among other members of the human race.  If someone does this, they obliviously have the power to control it – I know I don’t sound like I’m performing fellatio when I eat a rack of ribs or drink hot tea. These people have gotten used to this habit because their parents didn’t tell them not to do it. My folks, in all their faults, would figuratively (and literally) talk a shit on me if I went one decibel over the social norm at the dinner table – never mind sound like I had my face in a muff.

Of course you can do the 180 and be one these people that doesn’t say a fucking word while they’re eating and has their hand covering there mouth through the whole duration of the meal. I think this is too much. It’s polite, yes, but there is no point in eating with someone like this because there is no conversation. A lot of broads do this and some guys too. As long as you don’t talk with you’re mouth full you can say a few short words while you’re chewing on your last bit of food. If you ask these mouth-coverers a simple ‘yes or no question’ it takes them fifteen fucking minutes to answer. It could be something urgent like:

“Hey what time is it? I might need to get somewhere right fucking now or my mother will die! And you’re the only person I know with a watch!”

And these nobles with their mouth covered while eating one corn niblet try and do all these hand signals referencing that they have food in their mouth (which you already know and you are willing to take that risk in order to hear 4 syllables) and they go on a search around the room for a napkin – god fucking forbid they disgrace their family name by opening their mouth for 3 and a half seconds. Finally after they’ve swallowed and digested every bit of edible substance in their body they say:

“I don’t know, I didn’t where a watch today”

This type of over-politeness is a bit too far. I wouldn’t want these aristocrats to be rounded up and slaughtered like their polar opposites – the coffee, tea & soup slurpers/loud eats – but they can tone it down a bit around friends.

But I digress… What I was talking about is annoying people not knowing they are annoying. I always find myself trying to take the high road by charmingly joking about their obnoxious habits or, if pressed, maybe politely making mention of how their regular lunch has a lot of onions in it and as we all know after someone has eaten an onion-heavy meal their mouths can smell like a morgue after a large natural disaster in a third-world country. But they don’t seem to get the point. They stick to their day-to-day aggravating activities as if nothing is going on and they are not bothering anyone. Thus my biggest regret is not ever saying to these people:

“You’re a fucking horrible, annoying, fucked up, anti-social, meal-time retard. Your parents messed up when they raised you and you need to see a psychiatrist to discuss your behavior when you eat with others.  You can’t take a hint and I’ve fantasized about your death.”

Now this may seem like a bit much but we’ve all been down this road at one point or another. You’ve all worked with a Dwight Schrute-like person and everyone has had at least one friend in their lifetime that they’ve thought of as more of a nemesis than a mate.

Of course I don’t want these people dead – that is obviously an almost tragic extreme.  And because of the laws of the land and the morals that exist in society I don’t have the right to take someone’s life (even if it is based on the way they smell or sound in its’ relation to food consumption). However I will admit this: that concerning the worst of the worst human beings I’ve encountered in my social escapades on god’s green earth, at one point or another I have had the thought, while listening to them talk about how much they love the movie Armageddon and at the same time eating/having sex with an onion broth, that if they were to die I wouldn’t be able help but breath a sign of relief because there will so much to look for to.

Masturbation: the blog

I got up today, thought about masturbation – didn’t do it though. Which is surprising considering it is masturbation. You see it doesn’t take much motivation to jerk off, in fact it is the opposite of motivation, it is un-ambition.  No reason is needed – it is just done. I am speaking of course of primarily male self-induced pleasure; I have no semblance of any idea of how women operate – that is a complete and under mystery to me. As for the act as it is performed by men I am compelled to argue that autoerotism is a slothful and graphic practice. At worst, I believe, it brings out the laziest in us, not the desperate and depraved but the slothful.

As I said men don’t need a reason to jerk off, they just do it. I can’t remember the last time I pleasured myself because I was turned on by something prior to having my pants off. One just finds himself with nothing to do and no desire to do anything that takes considerable concentration so thus the only activity that guarantees pleasure and has inarguable great appeal is to bring oneself to sexual climax.  And with the innovation of the World Wide Web there is really no excuse to NOT masturbate when it happens cross one’s mind in the privacy of one’s home. I’m not sure of the actually statistics but I can hypothesis that pornographic sites are the most heavily trafficked organizations on the net outside of social networking sites.  Nobody writes their effin tweet name or video channel on a men’s room wall, it is notably fornication websites that get considerable attention (albeit homosexual pornography is among those illustrated).

The only real down side to masturbation, I believe, is that it is incredibly slothful. No one jerks off and than runs a marathon. You’ve pretty much set the bar for the level of activity in your day when after you flush the Kleenex down the toilet you realize it’s only 11:30 in the morning.

One thing that I find incredibly amusing is that you can be so horny and so into smut while masturbating but immediately afterwards you want nothing to doing with anything related to penis & vagina. Isn’t it weird that directly after ejaculation the object of your desire takes a complete 180? You can still be naked, just finished jerking off, and you look up at the computer screen and see the vagina in a totally different way. Before it was like: “that’s great! the money shot!” and two seconds later you’re thinking: “it’s kind of weird looking eh?”

What can really give you nightmares and put yourself in a heavily disturbed mood is the horribly bad timing of when you find yourself masturbating over porno and just when you reach the pinnacle it goes to a shot of the smut dude’s intense and almost angry face! Ahhhh! It is like for a few seconds you’re actually gay! I’ve read that this happening to you and/or getting a boner on the toilet can make you a de facto homosexual.

The only thing worse than jizzing while staring into a man’s eyes is while you are attempting to orgasm the pornography you were getting off to takes a weird turn for the worst. For the first minute thirty you were viewing it the smut was just the usual in/out amateur shit you usually see on youporn and all of a sudden a man’s asshole is fingered or a weird device is brought in and used out of nowhere. What the fuck man! I’ve unexpectedly viewed shit even worse than what I’ve mentioned while I was trying to get my shit done. There should be some kind of a warning or better categorization for this freaky porn.

One thing I always wonder is who are the people that post these sex tapes? If the people in the videos are the ones posting them then more than a few of these people are into some messed up shit and don’t care who knows it. It’s one thing to post a video of you fucking (I personally don’t understand why someone would even possess a recording of themselves having sexual intercourse in the first place) but who in their right mind would want people to know that they, as a man, use some kind of electronic device on their orifices? And where are the women in online porn coming from? Do the girls that get fucked all over the Internet have day jobs? Do they do customer service for a telecommunications company in between cum shots? I mean, how do you look yourself in the mirror if that’s what you do for a living or at the very least willingly participate in? What do they tell their parents? When they see their relatives at Christmas and they’re asked the routine question of “what have you been up to?” Do they run off all the inter-racial gangbangs they’ve been apart of?

The whole system of Internet pornography has opened up so many new and amazing things. One day we will tell our kids that there was time when you had to PAY to see people fuck by renting a video at an adult book store or going to an underground strip club. One thing I’ve noticed from being engulfed in pornography for so many years is that there are a lot of guys out there fucking a lot of different women and I am definitely not one of these lucky dudes. But hey, there is nothing else better to do on a Saturday afternoon than watch people have sex.

How to take the bus

God in heaven forbid if you are one of the unfortunates who’s conscripted to take public transpiration as your primary form of commuting.  Only bastardized peoples and vagabonds (whatever the fuck they are) ride buses regularly and our mothers always told us to cross the street when we see and never talk to the type of peoples that sit at bus stops. This is all, of course, a side point because you all know this and I’ve explained North America’s caste system wherein public transportation regulars are somewhere between those that work at Tim Horton’s and people who shop at garage sales. My point in this blog is to criticize bus edict (if there is a such a thing) and to point out the obviously abnormalities that exist while riding/waiting with fellow commuters.

Now, believe it or not, but people of all pedigree actually use public transportation in large urban areas. The buses come quite frequently and it so incredibly difficult/expensive to drive your personal vehicle that many people from different economic classes use the public funded car pool. Regrettably, some people don’t understand the rules when it comes to taking the bus. And those who decide to fuck shit up are often normal people, like you or I, and not always (although sometimes) the inferiors mentioned above. An example of this despicable behaviour would be when you’re on a virtually empty section of the bus, or even in area where there are just noticeably isolated and empty seats near by, and some stooge gets on the bus and sits right the fuck next to you. When this happens to me (and I can see it in the eyes of other people when it happens to them) I just want to turn to that person and say “what the fuck the are you doing?” Immediately I think ‘rapist/molester’ (what’s the difference anyway?) when someone pulls this prick job. However, a lot of the time the jerk that chose to snug up to a stranger doesn’t fit the pedophile profile. This description is usually large-rimmed glasses, a bad haircut with a substitute teacher-type outfit on – kind of like what Bill Gates looks like if he wasn’t rich. Take one of the fucking free seats buddy! I mean, I’m not even an attractive man and weird ladies and men sit right next to me when there are other seats. I can imagine how uncomfortable poor young blonde hotties feel when they have to ride the bus and encounter one of these weird and rude people. Do these people think this a rule; that we all have to sit next to each other to make it easier for more people to get on the bus? Do they want to have a conversation? No one talks to strangers face-to-face. Fuck, who wants to talk to someone they even know these days? This is two thousand and nine! I don’t get it. It’s a fucking bus – nobody wants to be there because we have to be around other people. It makes it even more torturous to be rubbing up against someone every time the bus hits a bump.

Another thing that boggles my mind is when people RUN to catch the bus. They must know how ridiculous they look chasing after a moving bus while trying to hold on to their bags and pulling out their bus pass. Even if they catch the bus, they’re all sweaty and ready to pass out from running, plus they have to find their fare and while they’re struggling they’re further embarrassing themselves in front of other passengers. It is one of those moments when YOU actually feel humiliated for the person that it is happening to. If it were on TV you’d turn the channel to avoid feeling that horrible social awkward empathy.  Is it really worth running for? What if you don’t catch it? Is that the end of the world? Do your children die if you’re ten minutes late getting to where you need to go? I could see maybe if it was for a job interview or something important but running and letting everyone see you run which causes you to work up a sweat, lose your breath and even possibly trip and fall all while wearing clothing not fit for rugged conditions just so you get back to your house 10 to 15 minutes earlier. Pick up a newspaper and wait for the next one, it’s not worth it! It is like when people run for the elevator. Elevators take even less time; we’re talking seconds sometimes. Anyone who has ever ran for an elevator please stop doing it. You know everyone in that elevator is cheering and praying for you to not make it. You’re unwanted; wait for the next one. And as for those lazy jack-offs that take the elevator just to go up one or two floors – these people should be tied up and gagged then left on the roof by people that are waiting to go up ten flights or more. The bottom line is running isn’t worth it in less you’re deliberately exercising or there is a significant amount of money on the line.

This reminds me of a funny story. I was on a bus very early one morning. And you know anyone that is on a bus before or around dawn is on the bus for an important reason (they’ve probably got to go to work or have an appointment.) And right after I had gotten on the bus and found a good isolated seat I noticed a young guy run out of some low-income housing buildings towards the stop the bus was moving away from.  Now, this dude I would compassionately assume really needs to catch this bus. It’s early so he’s not just going to the mall, he’s probably going to work and it is most likely shitty work that he needs really bad because he lives in a government subsidized apartment. Nevertheless he didn’t make the bus and some of you might feel sorry for him but if that had been a packed elevator 99 percent of you wouldn’t have wanted Jesus Christ to come off the cross and make it to the doors before they shut. The punch line of this fucking story is that the guy had the worst and most despicable piece of clothing known to Western fashion on: the head bandana. If he had not taken the 30 seconds it took him to look like a douche bag by wrapping that meaningless jailbird-looking, want-to-be gangster cloth around his white scalp he’d been able to catch the bus and make it to work on time so he could have enough money for reserve cigarettes and no name Kraft Dinner.  The moral of this story is to get to the bus on time, never run for anything because it’s embarrassing and don’t look like a douche bag because it can cause you to be late for your crappy job.

The workingman is a sucker

If anyone reading this “likes” his or her job in anyway you can go fuck yourself right now. Leave the room, and fuck yourself in the bum – please do us all a favour. You should especially do the above act if you’re a young person and your job is not even part of a career or field you are aspiring for. Because any job that pays within four dollars of minimum wage is complete kife. The work itself, even if it is tolerable and easy, is most-definitely monotonous, boring and at least once a day (usually in the mornings) you realize how meaningless, painful and suicidal-ily depressing your routine has become. Not to mention the caliber of people you work with. It is a fact that there is at least one douche bag manager at every part-time/summer job. And, of course, many of us suffer from Dwight Schrute syndrome; wherein the person you work with the closest is incapable of logical thought. It also goes without saying that you know your job is shit and you need a change when even the people you like at work begin to annoy you more than a lavish Broadway musical. The truth is work sucks, no matter how you look at it. You HAVE TO be there so it’s shit. It’s like paid slavery – badly paid slavery.

I’ll begin by pooping on management. Why is that in so many different occupations (from food services to hard labour) incompetency, low-intelligence, bad people skills and general laziness is rewarded with higher pay and greater responsibility? I have literally witnessed on more than a few occasions people being promoted who show little capabilities of authority other than being a huge dick/cunt.  It is as if there is a question on that little silly questionnaire sheet they fill out for inside company hiring that says “how would you rate your dick/cuntishness towards people you work with on scale of one to ten?” And those that prove to rate the highest get chosen for the position. I’ve seen time and time again douche bags get promoted only to be replaced by bigger bags of douche. Is this how capitalism and industry works in the low-income sector? Can I hope for a better system in the higher income arena, if I able to infiltrate that field someday?

And now for our fellow employees: you’ve got to love these guys (for the most part). However, because they are part of the shitiness that is work they get caught up in a shit storm that throws shit all over the shitty workplace (to paraphrase a quote from Mr. Layhey). You see, even the people you like at work can get under your nerves from time-to-time. Take break for instance. Break is the greatest part of work by far. It’s the time of the day (along with lunch) where you don’t actually do work at work. Labour, in fact, is not actually expected from you when you’re on lunch or break, which is what makes it so great. But break/lunch can get ruined easily by many of your fellow employees becoming a thorn in the side of this time of un-work. For instance when they take all good chairs in the break room and you’re stuck on the shitty bench that is even more uncomfortable when you are wearing your thin, crappy work pants. Also, on work breaks if you have anything above a bologna sandwich on white sliced bread everyone busts a lunch break nut. And the more exotic your lunch appears the more attention and bedazzlement you’ll receive from your fellow workers. Plus they want to know every possible detail of every ingredient you put in your mouth. If you went to Subway or Quiznos they’re curious to know everything you got on it and if they don’t fancy your choices they denounce your entire meal as tasteless and inedible. This excludes leftovers prepared by a guardian or parent. People always shit when they get the chance to see the different items you eat at home compared to what they have. You are really showing off when you put Alfredo on pasta with vegetables in the workplace microwave (this always takes up good break time because for some reason 90 percent of microwaves found in work break rooms operate on one tenth the level of those found in a home kitchen). Everyone waiting for their turn to warm up their shit compares meals and an unofficial winner is usually declared by the highest audibility of “ahhhhs” and “ohhhs” gotten from the other guys in line with tuber ware and paper towels in their hands. Furthermore, beware if you bring something really fancy like a steak or some kind of foreign food to work, because if one person gets a look at it I guarantee within seconds everyone will want to see it, and for weeks you’ll be known as the guy who brought curry chicken to work, then after you’ll be questioned everyday about what’s rapped up in your grocery store plastic bag in the room-temperature work fridge.

What can really ruin your break of course is if you combine the douche bag manager with lunch. It does not get much worse than when you and your favourite work friends plan a break time mutually together, you all anticipate it, you yearn for it, you discuss it, you all look forward to that 15 minutes when you can really get into the details of your drunken escapades the night before, but that dick head manager or weirdo no-one likes takes his/her break at the same fucking time as you guys. What a party fucking pooper! Especially when they take the good chair and don’t stop talking about their son’s lacrosse practice or their kitchen being re-tiled.

While, I’ve said a lot of about this unavoidable aspect of life. We have to do it, even if it makes us want turn our car into incoming traffic at 7:30 every morning. The only thing worse than the drive to work is that god-forsaken alarm at 7am, especially when you had one of those sleeps where it felt like you were sleeping for 10 minutes even though you were in bed for over 8 hours. And then there is the excitement of work: where microwaved hamburgers are the high point of the day.  Some of you son’bitchs who like your jobs may say, “Well, what else is there to do besides work? You’ve got to do something.” To them I say this: there is plenty. Sleep more – first and foremost. And don’t give me that shit about wasting your day when you sleep past noon because I don’t know what you assholes that get up early on weekends do, but we can all go on facebook and jerk-off just as much in the afternoon as we could in the morning. Seriously, are you flying a fucking kite or reading to the blind when you get up that early? What’s so meaningful about the day that you have to see it earlier?! Anyways I digress… you get my point. Shit, you’ll definitely get it in about 10 hours when the alarm goes off and you realize you’re out of bread and milk and can’t even have a meager breakfast before you go to take part in the worthless and meaningless existence that occupies 75 per cent of your daily life.

The Uncircumcised Dick

I’m not going to get into too much detail but let us just say that if you’ve experienced the indefinable euphoria of engaging in sexual intercourse with yours truly than you may have noticed my parents choice to not exercise a meaningless, ancient and rather barbaric ritual on my genitals.

There is literally (and figuratively) a lot of push and pull on the circumcision debate. My interpretation, as a heterosexual male with little experience with naked men (however with much inquest on the subject), is that it is a strong hypothesizes to assume most men are cut below the waste. Nevertheless, there is little in contemporary medical science that advocates for removal of the foreskin. It is quite unique that such a graphic and professional surgery is still exercised.

You circumcised guys may have a better-looking dick but society is doing this for virtually no reason what so ever. Thousands of dicks are having a significant part of themselves removed everyday just because it’s what we do – that’s kind of fucked.

Guys that have had the imaginably incredibly painful procedure preformed on them would argue (and quite rightfully so) that it “looks” better. And I can attest that many young women feel the same way. Furthermore, I don’t know how many particularly picky and eccentric girls these sons of Abraham look-a-likes are having sex with but I will further attest, and even go as far to contend, that in my plethora of historic experiences with females of all stripes, colours and cultures I have yet to meet one girl that refused sexual contact based on the look of my penis.

Woman (whose name will soon escape me) after first viewing uncircumcised member: “Hold on a second. You’ve been feeling me up for fifteen minutes and I almost reached climax just from dry-humping but I’ve only had five shots of tequila and eight Vexes – I am nowhere near drunk and unattractive enough to fool around with a guy whose foreskin has not been removed.”

A little side bar here: I don’t want any Semites or Hebrews to take offence to this article of intelligence. I am by no means criticizing any religions practices however meaningless, unnecessary and discriminatory they may be – I will save that for another blog. Dually noted that culturally speaking I have noticed that many Catholic Europeans or their decedents do not have their children circumcised. And to take this shit one step further it is moderately conclusive to assume that the decision to circumcise a baby boy is based on the appearance of the father’s dick. No dad wants his son to see him naked and furthermore would dread explaining why the head of his shlong looks different than his kid’s.

What makes this outrageous is for at least many decades or possibly centuries young men’s dicks have a good piece of it removed based on ritual. If the father has had it performed the son will as well. And to all of you uncircumcised readers you will agree with me that at one time or another you’ve been in the shower and looked down at your fore-skinned cock and thought: “How the FUCK can they that cut that off?!”  You probably don’t remember when it was performed, my circumcised brothers, but let me tell you this – it hurt and it was virtually pointless.

A lot circumcised men are, in fact, socially ANTI- uncircumcision (if there is such word).  It’s like they feel as if we should go and get an adult procedure done to look like them. I will predict that this blog will get a lot of hate responses. That’s right; I am calling it a hate crime to mock, ridicule and discriminate against men with turtleneck penises. We’re a set – we’re a group. The outrageous accusations from anti-uncircumcision bigots already fits the profile of hate speech: they say we are lazy, unclean, spread deceases, rape their women, take jobs from hard-working circumcised men, think we’re the best dancers, part of a conspiracy to rule the world and should have our own schools. All of which are untrue and based upon hearsay. The unclean/decease friendly argument is obviously the most kife. While we enter the second decade of the millennium there is very little medical advocacy for circumcision. God-forbid you have to pull back your foreskin and clean the head of your dick (there’s an image) while you wash the rest of your body in the shower. Are we led to belief that those of us who are uncircumcised clean every square inch of our body EXCEPT the most important inch at the end of our penis?

I have already agreed that the circumcised dick is commercially more appealing but only because it is the status quo. The majority of smut actors are helmet heads and some (with careful inspection) appear to have had part of their dick cut off recently.

Moreover, according to Kramer on Seinfeld it makes sex more pleasurable to have your penis o’naturale. Which makes sense because it wouldn’t see the light of day unless you had a boner. This is somewhat of a moot point for me because I would assume it means I would probably last longer than my standard 2.5 minutes in bed if my penis were not particularly sensitive.

This blog is risky. It could mean the anti-poon for me. By broadcasting the visuals of my reproductive organ some would argue I have lost any chance I may have had at future sexual intercourse with a woman. While this may come as a shock to all of you this would have little or no effect on my sex life.  For those that believe having an uncircumcised dick lowers your chances of getting laid that would mean the possibly of me being with a woman has gone from zero to negative. So I guess that means I’m going to fuck a man now because my parents didn’t get my foreskin removed when I was a baby.

The most interesting story in the world always concerns a speeding ticket

Although I’ve broached this subject prior I believe it deserves regurgitating. Those of you that are blessed enough to know me, know that I do not drive a car. However, I have been in cars with other people and I’ve also overheard people with driver’s licences speaking to one another. And I’ve come to notice they talk about the same shit a fucking lot. Also, they have some of the lamest and predictable conversations that I have ever listened to in a work break room.

Why is it that when someone gets a speeding ticket everybody wants to hear every kife detail of what led to them getting pulled over and what the horrible consequences are?

Joe Driver: “I got a ticket on the way to work”

Other overly interested drivers: “Where were you? What happened? What was going?!!”

Obviously the person was speeding, on a street, and a police officer gave them a ticket, genius! Unless the driver is a fucking nut case and because he is able to tell the story it probably does not get anymore exciting than that! But so many people aren’t satisfied and they want more. People need to know the exact location of the pullover and compare and contrast that with other places they were pulled over in the past. Sometimes, they weren’t even pulled over themselves but they talk about where they’ve seen cops parked on streets around the city.

Then everyone gets to tell his or her most exciting pullover stories. You find out who got let off the most. No one really committed more of a crime than just fucking speeding (maybe some of them had a drink or smoked a joint and they were lucky enough to fool the Po).

I don’t understand it. Yes, they got charged for speeding, it’s an inconvenience – but why do we have to hear every excruciating detail? They didn’t’ kill anyone. No one ever says: “Yeah, I got pulled over and they found that missing child in my trunk, so I killed the cop and came to work” or “Well the cop fingered me and told me if I said anything they’d come after my family.” It’s usually, “It was a supposed to be $125 but he dropped it down to $100.” End of fucking story.

But the buck doesn’t stop there. What’s even worse than the speeding ticket stories, or the over-interest in them, is the unnecessary and over-whelming enthusiasm towards discussing driving tests.  If anyone ever mentions they’re going to get their G-grade driver’s licence (Ontario permanent licence) other drivers have all sorts of different tips and advice to give them. It all seems completely obvious or absolutely useless.

Dumb driver: “Yeah what you gotta do is you gotta go to a test center way out in the boonies on like a Saturday because they fail everybody on weekdays and make sure you get a guy giving you the test cause them broads there are cunts and if it’s raining you might as well turn around because that’s an automatic fail – those are facts, bud”

Other dumb driver: “That’s true, I failed because it hailed that day and make sure you go after lunch because hunger equals failure”

And then, god-forbid, the poor lad fails the fucking test. Oh boy, now we got an amazing conversation going. No matter where you work, everything stops to hear about how someone failed his or her driving test. And the poor son’bitch that didn’t pass the test has to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry he knows everything that led up to him not getting enough points to move up one marker in drivers licences certificates. I don’t know why people want to hear about it so much. What’s he going to say: “Well, I think what did me in was either when I attempted to rape the person giving me the test or when I had to merge on the highway I shit my pants.”  In reality, unfortunately, they usually failed because they didn’t check their blind spots enough or stopped too late at a light.

The G-class licence is almost identical to the lower “G-2” licence, but I believe it’s a necessity to have at some point. I don’t how many times I’ve heard someone say “I’ve got to get my G!” I know I don’t drive so I have not reached that strata of enlighten society that has a car but I don’t understand why everyone is so eager to take this “G” test (The G-class licence is like the full, permanent driving licence in Ontario for those of you outside of the province). People tell me it’s because they can have like a drink-and-a-half or some shit and not get charged with impaired driving. Well looks who is partying tonight! Mr. G-licence over here is getting shit-faced and driving us all home – he’s had a pint! What a party animal you can be once you get your “G.” Because, of course you wouldn’t touch booze and drive before but now you can paint the town red and it’s completely legal.

Still and still maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m missing it. Maybe there isn’t anything more interesting going on in world or enough funny shit on YouTube to talk about. Maybe the colour of socks you where to your driving test really does matter or maybe all the drivers can compare speeding tickets enough to compile a geographic map of the city based on where people have gotten tickets and never have to worry about paying thirty-five dollars for knowingly breaking the law. I could be wrong, I am living in a pretty, dark, hollow and meaningless place here with no ability to leave my bedroom with out any driver’s licence, not to mention have the legal documentation to have the drinking equivalent to a cock tease.

Who the fuck reads the newspaper?!

I read the goddamn thing, as a matter of fact. I’m one of the few people under the age of sixty-five that actually reads printed word! From time-to-time mind you.  And the radio; what the fuck is that shit?  While I participate in the ancient craft of holding two types of paper in the john, I cannot in the least rap my mind around why so many in this humble year of lord two thousand and shitty nine would tune in to a fucking device with fucking commercials and a playlist in which one has no control over. Holy shit, we’re all familiar with the MP3 player, plug the fucker in and you’re in control of what you listen to, without commercials, without some fucking forty-five year old who acts like he’s twenty and talks about sex and farting for four hours every morning. I realize it’s easy and it’s in the car, but get an auxiliary cable and you’re laughing – you can listen to all your personal illegally downloaded music (don’t get me started on the people that actually PAY for songs online: why anyone in the world would feel obligated to give their hard-earned dollar for one MP3 in which probably one percent of the royalties go to the millionaire artist that created the tune boggles my mind [don’t get your panties in a knot, I understand the nobility of buying music from small bands and local artists] But I digress….This is a blog/commentary/what-have-you about the modern media as a whole and why it is effed.

The big thing in media circles today is that it is “changing” – the Internet has revolutionized the way we view the world and younger generations are less likely to get their news from conventional sources.  By conventional I mean print (obviously), radio and of course television and we are led to believe that the Y2K generation is primarily reading about the world through the World Wide Web. This is a tad horseshit. TV still rules all when it comes to anything – whether it is entertainment or information. I don’t care when you were born you’re most likely to get your news from TV. And if you do read a lot of online blogs and reporting you also probably skip a generation and read the paper quite a bit as well.

Not unlike the music business and Hollywood, television feels itself to be threatened by the Internet.  And similar to movies and the radio, TV news’ attempt to compete with the Internet is rather pathetic. Whereas many network websites are decent, what they do on the tube sometimes makes no sense at all. Some stations have what they call an “Internet reporter.” What the hell does this person do? Do they just sit at home and look at porn? (Take a moment here to check out youporn, redtube and keezmovies; masturbate; clean up; nap; then get back to me) Seriously, I don’t need someone to tell me what’s on the Internet on TV. I know what is on the Internet – I have the Internet! It’s right fucking there – two feet away from the TV. That’s like having a grocery/refrigerator reporter:

            Wolf Blitzer: “Mr. So-and-so-watching-TV-right-now, you’re almost out of milk, and it looks like if you don’t go to the store you’re looking at grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner again. Ohh and the cat’s litter needs to be changed.”

This is obvious shit. Don’t tell me what I already know. No one checks the weather to see if it is sunny outside, they can look out the window. They check the weather to get the five-day mother-fucking forecast. People want MORE than what they can already get somewhere else. The only way television, or any type of media, can compete with online is to provide something deeper, more informative, better and different than what is available online.  Anyone can blog (for fuck sakes I’m doing it!) but giant media networks have the power and the money to get deeper into the story and provide more detail and grasp issues that are difficult to get at.

The major problem is that television has become a place of pure entertainment. There is very little actual information coming genuinely from the television. And people don’t want info either, they just want to tune in and tune out, don’t think, just laugh and dazzle the eye. Why do you think Jon Stewart is the most trusted man in news? It is because TV news has become a joke. What is the biggest story of the summer? No doubt, the King of Pop’s untimely death. And what respected media agency broke this provocative and monumental story? No other than the douche with the huge fucking straw in the travel thermos filled with god-knows-what – fucking TMZ.com 

One of the reasons why the guy who had a cameo in the revered comedy classic Half Baked as an enhancement-pot-smoker is the most trusted man in news is because he is better entertainment than most. So much news has become stand-up comedy disguised as commentary (hello, you’re fucking reading it). Bill O’Rielly and Keith Olbermen are not number one because they’re not as FUNNY as Jon Stewart (Quite frankly, I’m surprised Colbert wasn’t up there because that son’bitch is a barrel of fucking monkeys).

And of course The Daily Show/Colbert Report has become more acceptable as news because they actually get shit done. Not only do they point out the obvious – that regular news programs aren’t doing their job – but they also cover shit that CNN, MSNBC and the comedy antics of FOXNEWS do not pick up on. Sadly, The United States invaded Iraq because the mainstream media sat on their hands and today celebrity deaths have become the prominent issue across the board.

Why is this happening? My theory, that I have come to from my incredibly amateurish work in media, is pure laziness. Everyone recycles recycled used, heard-of, covered, stories. There is nothing new in the news. The President says something or someone famous dies; and they talk about it all fucking day. They get other people to come on the show and they talk about it, they give you reactions, perspectives, points-of-view and reviews of the story over and over and over until something current but equally unimportant comes up and they cover that till you’re hearing it in your sleep.  It’s not a story, the story is over, we’ve heard it. Everyone knows Michael Jackson is died it is not news to talk about him being dead.

The sad thing is that so many of us can’t turn away. It is true; the majority of people get their coverage of world issues from television. And too much of television is regurgitated bullshit. But I’m preaching to the choir – you already know this; you’re part of the minority that still reads; you had the focus to read over 1100 words online!  And I didn’t even use “LOL” once, although I did say “fuck” and “shit” a lot, maybe that is what TV needs more of.

In search of Canadianism

What is your nationality? If you’re a Canadian citizen the answer is, obviously, Canadian. However, ironically, many of us Canucks would prefer attachment to our historical ethnicity rather than align ourselves with the nation we were born in. I have had countless futile conversations with my fellow Canadians on the topic of ethnicity and I find some of the opinions I receive annoying and bothersome. The subject often comes up when people ask me “Are you Italian?” I’m not one to split hairs but I find it difficult to answer that question. Nevertheless any Canadian with a last name ending in a vowel would claim to be an Italian in nationality and the same could be said that those with a “Mc” or “O’” surname would state that they are Irish.

One should appreciate one’s heritage, although there is a line in the sand where one’s connection to the mother land has long been forgotten and the culture that is current and prominent becomes one’s own.  If I claim to be an Italian (which in reality I am legally and technically not) than I must act in accordance with the expectations of those with whom I am speaking. It is not necessarily racially prejudice to assume that someone with a last name ending in ‘O’ or ‘I’ has a kitchen in their basement but it is at the very least annoying. I am not even a full-blooded Italian, I’m actually about half wop and I have to explain to people that I do not have lavish, huge, olive-oil soaked meals every night and that, on average, I usually eat as shittily as most non-Europeans. A lot of people are shocked and need to be reminded that Italians are actually having intercourse with non-Italians and breeding mutt children. I have gotten a multitude of bewildered reactions from people when I tell them that my mother in fact did not come here on a packed boat in the 1950s.

Ironically most of the racial stereotyping I have received in my lifetime has come from my so-called fellow Italians. These want-to-be guineas seem to think there is a strict regiment of Italianism that any descendent needs to adhere by. I have honestly been told to by some Mediterraneans that I should not own a pet because I’m Italian however I need to own a variety of suits and dress clothes. And of course I can’t eat Kraft Dinner and I have to watch soccer. What the fuck is that shit? Furthermore, on both of the aforementioned occasions I have asked these racial rivals if they had ever been to Italy and/or spoke the language to which both people answered “no” to each question. I assume to these racially-confused individuals it doesn’t matter if you’ve ever been to the country of your ancestors or understand the language, what is important is that you follow completely meaningless and ridiculous practices that for some reason they believe are stereotypical to their alleged culture. 

What I find incredibly vexing is where a lot of people draw the line when it comes to nationality. Many people with different types of ancestry seem to carry their ancestor’s ethnicity with them even though it was their great-great-great Grandparents that were the last in the family tree to be born outside of Canada. I think if anyone in your family beyond your biological Grandparents were from another nation you would have most likely lost any major cultural characteristics typical to the country of your long-dead relatives.  All in all, anyone whose parents were born in the same country as they were are more than likely absorbed in the culture and national attitude of their current citizenry. 

This feeling of misconceived nationality is a result of the cultural vacuum that exists in most of Canada. In much of Anglo-urban Canada there is very little to identify as completely separate from American in culture. Additionally, compared to other nations Canada’s cultural traits are minimal. Be this as it may, I don’t believe this is something to squawk about. Our lack of culture is actually what makes us unique and although there is very little to identity as purely Canadian in essence that which does exist is interesting, rare and distinct. This is the second largest country in landmass, there are two official languages, there are at least three founding nations and countless other intricacies and complications that Canada is characteristic of.

I am perplexed by the apathy that exists within much of Canada’s citizenry. We claim that we are not a “melting pot” like the US, but a “tossed salad.” However this is horseshit. The United States for centuries has been a melting pot of only white Christians and Canada is at best a tossed salad of the same. What I hope is that while many of us are proud of our background we still appreciate why our relatives (however distant) chose Canada to raise a family, find work and contribute to the economy and the culture.