Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

The most interesting story in the world always concerns a speeding ticket

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Although I’ve broached this subject prior I believe it deserves regurgitating. Those of you that are blessed enough to know me, know that I do not drive a car. However, I have been in cars with other people and I’ve also overheard people with driver’s licences speaking to one another. And I’ve come to notice they talk about the same shit a fucking lot. Also, they have some of the lamest and predictable conversations that I have ever listened to in a work break room.

Why is it that when someone gets a speeding ticket everybody wants to hear every kife detail of what led to them getting pulled over and what the horrible consequences are?

Joe Driver: “I got a ticket on the way to work”

Other overly interested drivers: “Where were you? What happened? What was going?!!”

Obviously the person was speeding, on a street, and a police officer gave them a ticket, genius! Unless the driver is a fucking nut case and because he is able to tell the story it probably does not get anymore exciting than that! But so many people aren’t satisfied and they want more. People need to know the exact location of the pullover and compare and contrast that with other places they were pulled over in the past. Sometimes, they weren’t even pulled over themselves but they talk about where they’ve seen cops parked on streets around the city.

Then everyone gets to tell his or her most exciting pullover stories. You find out who got let off the most. No one really committed more of a crime than just fucking speeding (maybe some of them had a drink or smoked a joint and they were lucky enough to fool the Po).

I don’t understand it. Yes, they got charged for speeding, it’s an inconvenience – but why do we have to hear every excruciating detail? They didn’t’ kill anyone. No one ever says: “Yeah, I got pulled over and they found that missing child in my trunk, so I killed the cop and came to work” or “Well the cop fingered me and told me if I said anything they’d come after my family.” It’s usually, “It was a supposed to be $125 but he dropped it down to $100.” End of fucking story.

But the buck doesn’t stop there. What’s even worse than the speeding ticket stories, or the over-interest in them, is the unnecessary and over-whelming enthusiasm towards discussing driving tests.  If anyone ever mentions they’re going to get their G-grade driver’s licence (Ontario permanent licence) other drivers have all sorts of different tips and advice to give them. It all seems completely obvious or absolutely useless.

Dumb driver: “Yeah what you gotta do is you gotta go to a test center way out in the boonies on like a Saturday because they fail everybody on weekdays and make sure you get a guy giving you the test cause them broads there are cunts and if it’s raining you might as well turn around because that’s an automatic fail – those are facts, bud”

Other dumb driver: “That’s true, I failed because it hailed that day and make sure you go after lunch because hunger equals failure”

And then, god-forbid, the poor lad fails the fucking test. Oh boy, now we got an amazing conversation going. No matter where you work, everything stops to hear about how someone failed his or her driving test. And the poor son’bitch that didn’t pass the test has to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry he knows everything that led up to him not getting enough points to move up one marker in drivers licences certificates. I don’t know why people want to hear about it so much. What’s he going to say: “Well, I think what did me in was either when I attempted to rape the person giving me the test or when I had to merge on the highway I shit my pants.”  In reality, unfortunately, they usually failed because they didn’t check their blind spots enough or stopped too late at a light.

The G-class licence is almost identical to the lower “G-2” licence, but I believe it’s a necessity to have at some point. I don’t how many times I’ve heard someone say “I’ve got to get my G!” I know I don’t drive so I have not reached that strata of enlighten society that has a car but I don’t understand why everyone is so eager to take this “G” test (The G-class licence is like the full, permanent driving licence in Ontario for those of you outside of the province). People tell me it’s because they can have like a drink-and-a-half or some shit and not get charged with impaired driving. Well looks who is partying tonight! Mr. G-licence over here is getting shit-faced and driving us all home – he’s had a pint! What a party animal you can be once you get your “G.” Because, of course you wouldn’t touch booze and drive before but now you can paint the town red and it’s completely legal.

Still and still maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m missing it. Maybe there isn’t anything more interesting going on in world or enough funny shit on YouTube to talk about. Maybe the colour of socks you where to your driving test really does matter or maybe all the drivers can compare speeding tickets enough to compile a geographic map of the city based on where people have gotten tickets and never have to worry about paying thirty-five dollars for knowingly breaking the law. I could be wrong, I am living in a pretty, dark, hollow and meaningless place here with no ability to leave my bedroom with out any driver’s licence, not to mention have the legal documentation to have the drinking equivalent to a cock tease.

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Written by shanedantimo

August 20, 2009 at 1:40 am

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