Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Archive for September 2009

Masturbation: the blog

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I got up today, thought about masturbation – didn’t do it though. Which is surprising considering it is masturbation. You see it doesn’t take much motivation to jerk off, in fact it is the opposite of motivation, it is un-ambition.  No reason is needed – it is just done. I am speaking of course of primarily male self-induced pleasure; I have no semblance of any idea of how women operate – that is a complete and under mystery to me. As for the act as it is performed by men I am compelled to argue that autoerotism is a slothful and graphic practice. At worst, I believe, it brings out the laziest in us, not the desperate and depraved but the slothful.

As I said men don’t need a reason to jerk off, they just do it. I can’t remember the last time I pleasured myself because I was turned on by something prior to having my pants off. One just finds himself with nothing to do and no desire to do anything that takes considerable concentration so thus the only activity that guarantees pleasure and has inarguable great appeal is to bring oneself to sexual climax.  And with the innovation of the World Wide Web there is really no excuse to NOT masturbate when it happens cross one’s mind in the privacy of one’s home. I’m not sure of the actually statistics but I can hypothesis that pornographic sites are the most heavily trafficked organizations on the net outside of social networking sites.  Nobody writes their effin tweet name or video channel on a men’s room wall, it is notably fornication websites that get considerable attention (albeit homosexual pornography is among those illustrated).

The only real down side to masturbation, I believe, is that it is incredibly slothful. No one jerks off and than runs a marathon. You’ve pretty much set the bar for the level of activity in your day when after you flush the Kleenex down the toilet you realize it’s only 11:30 in the morning.

One thing that I find incredibly amusing is that you can be so horny and so into smut while masturbating but immediately afterwards you want nothing to doing with anything related to penis & vagina. Isn’t it weird that directly after ejaculation the object of your desire takes a complete 180? You can still be naked, just finished jerking off, and you look up at the computer screen and see the vagina in a totally different way. Before it was like: “that’s great! the money shot!” and two seconds later you’re thinking: “it’s kind of weird looking eh?”

What can really give you nightmares and put yourself in a heavily disturbed mood is the horribly bad timing of when you find yourself masturbating over porno and just when you reach the pinnacle it goes to a shot of the smut dude’s intense and almost angry face! Ahhhh! It is like for a few seconds you’re actually gay! I’ve read that this happening to you and/or getting a boner on the toilet can make you a de facto homosexual.

The only thing worse than jizzing while staring into a man’s eyes is while you are attempting to orgasm the pornography you were getting off to takes a weird turn for the worst. For the first minute thirty you were viewing it the smut was just the usual in/out amateur shit you usually see on youporn and all of a sudden a man’s asshole is fingered or a weird device is brought in and used out of nowhere. What the fuck man! I’ve unexpectedly viewed shit even worse than what I’ve mentioned while I was trying to get my shit done. There should be some kind of a warning or better categorization for this freaky porn.

One thing I always wonder is who are the people that post these sex tapes? If the people in the videos are the ones posting them then more than a few of these people are into some messed up shit and don’t care who knows it. It’s one thing to post a video of you fucking (I personally don’t understand why someone would even possess a recording of themselves having sexual intercourse in the first place) but who in their right mind would want people to know that they, as a man, use some kind of electronic device on their orifices? And where are the women in online porn coming from? Do the girls that get fucked all over the Internet have day jobs? Do they do customer service for a telecommunications company in between cum shots? I mean, how do you look yourself in the mirror if that’s what you do for a living or at the very least willingly participate in? What do they tell their parents? When they see their relatives at Christmas and they’re asked the routine question of “what have you been up to?” Do they run off all the inter-racial gangbangs they’ve been apart of?

The whole system of Internet pornography has opened up so many new and amazing things. One day we will tell our kids that there was time when you had to PAY to see people fuck by renting a video at an adult book store or going to an underground strip club. One thing I’ve noticed from being engulfed in pornography for so many years is that there are a lot of guys out there fucking a lot of different women and I am definitely not one of these lucky dudes. But hey, there is nothing else better to do on a Saturday afternoon than watch people have sex.

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How to take the bus

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God in heaven forbid if you are one of the unfortunates who’s conscripted to take public transpiration as your primary form of commuting.  Only bastardized peoples and vagabonds (whatever the fuck they are) ride buses regularly and our mothers always told us to cross the street when we see and never talk to the type of peoples that sit at bus stops. This is all, of course, a side point because you all know this and I’ve explained North America’s caste system wherein public transportation regulars are somewhere between those that work at Tim Horton’s and people who shop at garage sales. My point in this blog is to criticize bus edict (if there is a such a thing) and to point out the obviously abnormalities that exist while riding/waiting with fellow commuters.

Now, believe it or not, but people of all pedigree actually use public transportation in large urban areas. The buses come quite frequently and it so incredibly difficult/expensive to drive your personal vehicle that many people from different economic classes use the public funded car pool. Regrettably, some people don’t understand the rules when it comes to taking the bus. And those who decide to fuck shit up are often normal people, like you or I, and not always (although sometimes) the inferiors mentioned above. An example of this despicable behaviour would be when you’re on a virtually empty section of the bus, or even in area where there are just noticeably isolated and empty seats near by, and some stooge gets on the bus and sits right the fuck next to you. When this happens to me (and I can see it in the eyes of other people when it happens to them) I just want to turn to that person and say “what the fuck the are you doing?” Immediately I think ‘rapist/molester’ (what’s the difference anyway?) when someone pulls this prick job. However, a lot of the time the jerk that chose to snug up to a stranger doesn’t fit the pedophile profile. This description is usually large-rimmed glasses, a bad haircut with a substitute teacher-type outfit on – kind of like what Bill Gates looks like if he wasn’t rich. Take one of the fucking free seats buddy! I mean, I’m not even an attractive man and weird ladies and men sit right next to me when there are other seats. I can imagine how uncomfortable poor young blonde hotties feel when they have to ride the bus and encounter one of these weird and rude people. Do these people think this a rule; that we all have to sit next to each other to make it easier for more people to get on the bus? Do they want to have a conversation? No one talks to strangers face-to-face. Fuck, who wants to talk to someone they even know these days? This is two thousand and nine! I don’t get it. It’s a fucking bus – nobody wants to be there because we have to be around other people. It makes it even more torturous to be rubbing up against someone every time the bus hits a bump.

Another thing that boggles my mind is when people RUN to catch the bus. They must know how ridiculous they look chasing after a moving bus while trying to hold on to their bags and pulling out their bus pass. Even if they catch the bus, they’re all sweaty and ready to pass out from running, plus they have to find their fare and while they’re struggling they’re further embarrassing themselves in front of other passengers. It is one of those moments when YOU actually feel humiliated for the person that it is happening to. If it were on TV you’d turn the channel to avoid feeling that horrible social awkward empathy.  Is it really worth running for? What if you don’t catch it? Is that the end of the world? Do your children die if you’re ten minutes late getting to where you need to go? I could see maybe if it was for a job interview or something important but running and letting everyone see you run which causes you to work up a sweat, lose your breath and even possibly trip and fall all while wearing clothing not fit for rugged conditions just so you get back to your house 10 to 15 minutes earlier. Pick up a newspaper and wait for the next one, it’s not worth it! It is like when people run for the elevator. Elevators take even less time; we’re talking seconds sometimes. Anyone who has ever ran for an elevator please stop doing it. You know everyone in that elevator is cheering and praying for you to not make it. You’re unwanted; wait for the next one. And as for those lazy jack-offs that take the elevator just to go up one or two floors – these people should be tied up and gagged then left on the roof by people that are waiting to go up ten flights or more. The bottom line is running isn’t worth it in less you’re deliberately exercising or there is a significant amount of money on the line.

This reminds me of a funny story. I was on a bus very early one morning. And you know anyone that is on a bus before or around dawn is on the bus for an important reason (they’ve probably got to go to work or have an appointment.) And right after I had gotten on the bus and found a good isolated seat I noticed a young guy run out of some low-income housing buildings towards the stop the bus was moving away from.  Now, this dude I would compassionately assume really needs to catch this bus. It’s early so he’s not just going to the mall, he’s probably going to work and it is most likely shitty work that he needs really bad because he lives in a government subsidized apartment. Nevertheless he didn’t make the bus and some of you might feel sorry for him but if that had been a packed elevator 99 percent of you wouldn’t have wanted Jesus Christ to come off the cross and make it to the doors before they shut. The punch line of this fucking story is that the guy had the worst and most despicable piece of clothing known to Western fashion on: the head bandana. If he had not taken the 30 seconds it took him to look like a douche bag by wrapping that meaningless jailbird-looking, want-to-be gangster cloth around his white scalp he’d been able to catch the bus and make it to work on time so he could have enough money for reserve cigarettes and no name Kraft Dinner.  The moral of this story is to get to the bus on time, never run for anything because it’s embarrassing and don’t look like a douche bag because it can cause you to be late for your crappy job.

The workingman is a sucker

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If anyone reading this “likes” his or her job in anyway you can go fuck yourself right now. Leave the room, and fuck yourself in the bum – please do us all a favour. You should especially do the above act if you’re a young person and your job is not even part of a career or field you are aspiring for. Because any job that pays within four dollars of minimum wage is complete kife. The work itself, even if it is tolerable and easy, is most-definitely monotonous, boring and at least once a day (usually in the mornings) you realize how meaningless, painful and suicidal-ily depressing your routine has become. Not to mention the caliber of people you work with. It is a fact that there is at least one douche bag manager at every part-time/summer job. And, of course, many of us suffer from Dwight Schrute syndrome; wherein the person you work with the closest is incapable of logical thought. It also goes without saying that you know your job is shit and you need a change when even the people you like at work begin to annoy you more than a lavish Broadway musical. The truth is work sucks, no matter how you look at it. You HAVE TO be there so it’s shit. It’s like paid slavery – badly paid slavery.

I’ll begin by pooping on management. Why is that in so many different occupations (from food services to hard labour) incompetency, low-intelligence, bad people skills and general laziness is rewarded with higher pay and greater responsibility? I have literally witnessed on more than a few occasions people being promoted who show little capabilities of authority other than being a huge dick/cunt.  It is as if there is a question on that little silly questionnaire sheet they fill out for inside company hiring that says “how would you rate your dick/cuntishness towards people you work with on scale of one to ten?” And those that prove to rate the highest get chosen for the position. I’ve seen time and time again douche bags get promoted only to be replaced by bigger bags of douche. Is this how capitalism and industry works in the low-income sector? Can I hope for a better system in the higher income arena, if I able to infiltrate that field someday?

And now for our fellow employees: you’ve got to love these guys (for the most part). However, because they are part of the shitiness that is work they get caught up in a shit storm that throws shit all over the shitty workplace (to paraphrase a quote from Mr. Layhey). You see, even the people you like at work can get under your nerves from time-to-time. Take break for instance. Break is the greatest part of work by far. It’s the time of the day (along with lunch) where you don’t actually do work at work. Labour, in fact, is not actually expected from you when you’re on lunch or break, which is what makes it so great. But break/lunch can get ruined easily by many of your fellow employees becoming a thorn in the side of this time of un-work. For instance when they take all good chairs in the break room and you’re stuck on the shitty bench that is even more uncomfortable when you are wearing your thin, crappy work pants. Also, on work breaks if you have anything above a bologna sandwich on white sliced bread everyone busts a lunch break nut. And the more exotic your lunch appears the more attention and bedazzlement you’ll receive from your fellow workers. Plus they want to know every possible detail of every ingredient you put in your mouth. If you went to Subway or Quiznos they’re curious to know everything you got on it and if they don’t fancy your choices they denounce your entire meal as tasteless and inedible. This excludes leftovers prepared by a guardian or parent. People always shit when they get the chance to see the different items you eat at home compared to what they have. You are really showing off when you put Alfredo on pasta with vegetables in the workplace microwave (this always takes up good break time because for some reason 90 percent of microwaves found in work break rooms operate on one tenth the level of those found in a home kitchen). Everyone waiting for their turn to warm up their shit compares meals and an unofficial winner is usually declared by the highest audibility of “ahhhhs” and “ohhhs” gotten from the other guys in line with tuber ware and paper towels in their hands. Furthermore, beware if you bring something really fancy like a steak or some kind of foreign food to work, because if one person gets a look at it I guarantee within seconds everyone will want to see it, and for weeks you’ll be known as the guy who brought curry chicken to work, then after you’ll be questioned everyday about what’s rapped up in your grocery store plastic bag in the room-temperature work fridge.

What can really ruin your break of course is if you combine the douche bag manager with lunch. It does not get much worse than when you and your favourite work friends plan a break time mutually together, you all anticipate it, you yearn for it, you discuss it, you all look forward to that 15 minutes when you can really get into the details of your drunken escapades the night before, but that dick head manager or weirdo no-one likes takes his/her break at the same fucking time as you guys. What a party fucking pooper! Especially when they take the good chair and don’t stop talking about their son’s lacrosse practice or their kitchen being re-tiled.

While, I’ve said a lot of about this unavoidable aspect of life. We have to do it, even if it makes us want turn our car into incoming traffic at 7:30 every morning. The only thing worse than the drive to work is that god-forsaken alarm at 7am, especially when you had one of those sleeps where it felt like you were sleeping for 10 minutes even though you were in bed for over 8 hours. And then there is the excitement of work: where microwaved hamburgers are the high point of the day.  Some of you son’bitchs who like your jobs may say, “Well, what else is there to do besides work? You’ve got to do something.” To them I say this: there is plenty. Sleep more – first and foremost. And don’t give me that shit about wasting your day when you sleep past noon because I don’t know what you assholes that get up early on weekends do, but we can all go on facebook and jerk-off just as much in the afternoon as we could in the morning. Seriously, are you flying a fucking kite or reading to the blind when you get up that early? What’s so meaningful about the day that you have to see it earlier?! Anyways I digress… you get my point. Shit, you’ll definitely get it in about 10 hours when the alarm goes off and you realize you’re out of bread and milk and can’t even have a meager breakfast before you go to take part in the worthless and meaningless existence that occupies 75 per cent of your daily life.

Written by shanedantimo

September 15, 2009 at 3:07 am

The Uncircumcised Dick

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I’m not going to get into too much detail but let us just say that if you’ve experienced the indefinable euphoria of engaging in sexual intercourse with yours truly than you may have noticed my parents choice to not exercise a meaningless, ancient and rather barbaric ritual on my genitals.

There is literally (and figuratively) a lot of push and pull on the circumcision debate. My interpretation, as a heterosexual male with little experience with naked men (however with much inquest on the subject), is that it is a strong hypothesizes to assume most men are cut below the waste. Nevertheless, there is little in contemporary medical science that advocates for removal of the foreskin. It is quite unique that such a graphic and professional surgery is still exercised.

You circumcised guys may have a better-looking dick but society is doing this for virtually no reason what so ever. Thousands of dicks are having a significant part of themselves removed everyday just because it’s what we do – that’s kind of fucked.

Guys that have had the imaginably incredibly painful procedure preformed on them would argue (and quite rightfully so) that it “looks” better. And I can attest that many young women feel the same way. Furthermore, I don’t know how many particularly picky and eccentric girls these sons of Abraham look-a-likes are having sex with but I will further attest, and even go as far to contend, that in my plethora of historic experiences with females of all stripes, colours and cultures I have yet to meet one girl that refused sexual contact based on the look of my penis.

Woman (whose name will soon escape me) after first viewing uncircumcised member: “Hold on a second. You’ve been feeling me up for fifteen minutes and I almost reached climax just from dry-humping but I’ve only had five shots of tequila and eight Vexes – I am nowhere near drunk and unattractive enough to fool around with a guy whose foreskin has not been removed.”

A little side bar here: I don’t want any Semites or Hebrews to take offence to this article of intelligence. I am by no means criticizing any religions practices however meaningless, unnecessary and discriminatory they may be – I will save that for another blog. Dually noted that culturally speaking I have noticed that many Catholic Europeans or their decedents do not have their children circumcised. And to take this shit one step further it is moderately conclusive to assume that the decision to circumcise a baby boy is based on the appearance of the father’s dick. No dad wants his son to see him naked and furthermore would dread explaining why the head of his shlong looks different than his kid’s.

What makes this outrageous is for at least many decades or possibly centuries young men’s dicks have a good piece of it removed based on ritual. If the father has had it performed the son will as well. And to all of you uncircumcised readers you will agree with me that at one time or another you’ve been in the shower and looked down at your fore-skinned cock and thought: “How the FUCK can they that cut that off?!”  You probably don’t remember when it was performed, my circumcised brothers, but let me tell you this – it hurt and it was virtually pointless.

A lot circumcised men are, in fact, socially ANTI- uncircumcision (if there is such word).  It’s like they feel as if we should go and get an adult procedure done to look like them. I will predict that this blog will get a lot of hate responses. That’s right; I am calling it a hate crime to mock, ridicule and discriminate against men with turtleneck penises. We’re a set – we’re a group. The outrageous accusations from anti-uncircumcision bigots already fits the profile of hate speech: they say we are lazy, unclean, spread deceases, rape their women, take jobs from hard-working circumcised men, think we’re the best dancers, part of a conspiracy to rule the world and should have our own schools. All of which are untrue and based upon hearsay. The unclean/decease friendly argument is obviously the most kife. While we enter the second decade of the millennium there is very little medical advocacy for circumcision. God-forbid you have to pull back your foreskin and clean the head of your dick (there’s an image) while you wash the rest of your body in the shower. Are we led to belief that those of us who are uncircumcised clean every square inch of our body EXCEPT the most important inch at the end of our penis?

I have already agreed that the circumcised dick is commercially more appealing but only because it is the status quo. The majority of smut actors are helmet heads and some (with careful inspection) appear to have had part of their dick cut off recently.

Moreover, according to Kramer on Seinfeld it makes sex more pleasurable to have your penis o’naturale. Which makes sense because it wouldn’t see the light of day unless you had a boner. This is somewhat of a moot point for me because I would assume it means I would probably last longer than my standard 2.5 minutes in bed if my penis were not particularly sensitive.

This blog is risky. It could mean the anti-poon for me. By broadcasting the visuals of my reproductive organ some would argue I have lost any chance I may have had at future sexual intercourse with a woman. While this may come as a shock to all of you this would have little or no effect on my sex life.  For those that believe having an uncircumcised dick lowers your chances of getting laid that would mean the possibly of me being with a woman has gone from zero to negative. So I guess that means I’m going to fuck a man now because my parents didn’t get my foreskin removed when I was a baby.

Written by shanedantimo

September 2, 2009 at 5:43 pm