Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Archive for January 2010

“What did I say?!”

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Do you ever get in an argument with someone because they said something offensive to you and their response to your anger is “What did I say?” They know exactly what they said, it was a second ago, and yet they believe they can deceive you by claiming ignorance. By stating that they are completely unaware of the words that come out of their very own mouths they are not only giving more evidence that they’re assholes but also inferring they could have some serious mental issues. Aside from suffering from tourettes syndrome there is really no excuse for saying this.

Dickhead/ Immediate amnesiac: “I just wanted to say you’re a very ugly person.”

Normal person: “Fuck you.”

Dick/ Immediate amnesiac: “What did I say?!”

Normal person: “Did you forget to take your medication? Were you hit in the head? Are you the guy from Memento? You said I was ugly, you fucking moron!”

If you’re the normal person in this situation you should consider suffocating your counterpart in their sleep to put them out of their misery. I don’t know if I’d want to go on living if I didn’t know what words were coming out of my own mouth at any given moment.

Of course I realize it is linguistically instinctive for people to respond the way of the above dickhead character but it doesn’t make any logical sense. Even if you didn’t expect the person you were speaking with to be offended you still are aware that when you open your mouth and move your tongue you may be capable of producing words that are audible to the human ear.

The problem is people are not honest in most conversations especially when discussing a topic of some aggravation. The same goes for when one needs to get something off one’s chest towards a person they know. One will usually preface by saying something to the likes of: “Don’t be offended, BUT…” or the always popular “I don’t mean to rude, BUT…” – these are also examples of conversational retardation. I always try and avoid the above quotes. You can’t tell someone not to be offended; it’s personal emotion, one that a second party can’t simply halt by saying so.

The same could be said for when you are giving someone shit for whatever reason and they respond by saying: “What’s your problem?” I don’t get this.  It’s as if they’ve just entered the universe and are only aware that another entity is unhappy but have no concept of the surrounding circumstances.

Normal person: “Excuse me but I can’t help but notice that you’re speaking on your cell phone too loud and I find it very distracting.”

Dick who has just entered earth: “What’s your problem?”

Normal person: “My problem now seems to be that I am speaking to someone with less a grasp of reality than the Rain Man.”

You always get the above-mentioned phrase from people with huge yet fragile egos that deflate or inflate with the most trifle of influences. You know who I am talking about, those dicks at bars or guys that flip on you because you teased them jokingly. What I don’t get about these dicks is why do they become so insecure when someone makes a friendly joke about them or happens to touch shoulders with them outside a bar? You would think they’d have more confidence because they are so eager to show off their awkward bar fighting skills. Is there something I am missing here? Does beating someone up because they made fun of you make your dick bigger?

I’ve also noticed that the few times I’ve happen to offend these insecure tough guys, by talking to them the same way I would speak with the majority of people that are comfortable with themselves, they always end up lecturing me on how to improve my people skills. Here’s a typical example of such a situation:

Me (a kind of normal person, speaking informally with what I thought was an acquaintance with whom I can speak freely and jokingly): “Hey, I see you’re using Splenda instead of sugar, I heard that’s what homosexuals use in their coffee.”

Someone (whom I thought could take a joke since they had insulted me in a cordial away on several occasions and these types of wise cracks only helped to strengthen our male-bonding): “Hey, you better watch what you say!”

Me: “Wouh, wouh, wouh….I’m sorry I guess I don’t have the advanced social skills you have. I was under the impression that people who know each other well enough can quip with one another, but apparently I was wrong. From now on I’ll go through my life as serious as a high-ranking Nazi Party official who beats people to a pulp because they inferred indirectly and illogical that they participate in erotic acts with those of the same sex. That’s how people should act with one another.”

Honestly, every time some dude who thinks fighting adds inches to their already shriveled penis is upset at my friendly mocking they always say something along the lines of “You better watch who you’re talking to!” or the always popular “Be careful what you say!” I’m sorry you sexually frustrated and obviously insecure individuals but I’m going to continue to mock people and assume that the size of their penises don’t have an affect on their ability to communicate with their fellow humans. I would contend that I, who can take a joke, am in a much better position to give advice on how to associate with individuals than those that threaten violence because of a sarcastic remark.

Maybe it’s me but I think I have a pretty sound grasp of reality and human discussion. And anyone who uses the above ridiculed phrases should either try being a bit more honest by owning up to their own utterances and/or attempt to understand that threatening someone you’re even somewhat close to with physical violence because they inferred you’re gay for an arbitrary and obviously sarcastic reason might not be the best way to go about your day-to-day life.

Current late night television in a nutshell

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With the rumours surrounding Jay Leno’s future broadcasting ambitions currently circulating I can’t help but take a step back and comment on the whole realm of late night comedy television. First off, I’ve never been a huge fan of Leno. I was a big follower of Letterman in my younger years. However, I’ll admit that Leno can be at least moderately entertaining at times. Back in the day I quite enjoyed Conan’s Late Night when Andy Richter was in his first incarnation as co-host and was in my opinion the man behind the curtain for that show. Recently TMZ reported (and you better recognize that when TMZ reports something it is doctrine – think Tiger Woods & Michael Jackson) Leno’s 10pm show is going to be moved back to 1130 and Conan’s future is more-or-less uncertain.

I hardly watched more than 45 minutes of both Leno’s new show and Conan’s Tonight Show in their short run. It appears ratings were shit and audience reception was also poor. This isn’t surprising for Leno considering that late night talk shows have aired after 11pm for as long as I can remember. It’s dually obvious that Conan at an earlier time slot was not a wise choice. The Harvard graduate who originally had no experience as a host has a college following and old people don’t stay up late enough to know who this awkward nervous red-haired character even is.

The thing I haven’t heard about, and I am eagerly awaiting, is when NBC plans to execute that attempted abortion they call Jimmy Fallon. This guy is the least talented pathetic piece of shit in the history of broadcasting. There are few people I loathe more in show business (Tom Bergeron & George Lopez being the possible exceptions) than that no-talent ass clown Jimmy (who always looks at the camera and laughs annoyingly for no reason) Fallon. It does not make coherent sense why he has his own show, why he’s ever been on television and why he’s been cast in any movie. Here’s my theory to explain his absurd rise to fame: for some reason Lorne Michaels has a hard-on for him – maybe he is the illegitimate father of Fallon and by black mail is forced to keep Fallon in show business. There is no other more logical explanation.  The only reason Fallon went on to do anything besides gay porn after his pathetic stint with SNL is because when he was a cast member on the show they were going through some of their worst, least watched and least funny seasons in the show’s long history. By convention SNL has to produce a marketable celebrity about every five years or it’ll lose its media footing and collapse in itself. Lorne Michaels than sold his Canadian soul to Satan and that little douche that could started staring in movies, appearing on other shows and ultimately came to host the Michaels-produced Late Night. Finally, to summarize this completely rational contention, I say cancel Fallon immediately and replace him with anything from dead air to snuff films.

When I heard the above prick was getting his very own show I thought it was Craig Ferguson’s time to shine on CBS at 1230am. The thing that is great about Ferguson is that he knows he’s second-rate and he has accepted that no one in the Western World is regularly watching his broadcast. This is what actually makes him funny; he wings it and he doesn’t give a shit. Just look at his resume: the only other experience he has is as the boss on The Drew Carey Show like 10 years ago! Ferguson is underrated and under-watched, which in reality is what makes him refreshing compared to the plastic, suck-up interviews that other mainstream hosts conduct. Conan’s biggest problem is that his interviews are incredibly rehearsed to the extent that is empathically embarrassing to watch. Letterman is also suffering from this lazily overly produced and timid show biz tradition. The Late Show host used to kill it back in the day. He practically invented the kind of “messing with real people/nonsensical” type of humour he used to practice regularly during his first decade & a half on TV and is imitated by so much of modern comedy. Unfortunately Letterman quit drinking, had a kid and since then has gone completely downhill, except for the humorous hiccup when he admitted to having sex with women/”doing creepy things.”

This brings me to what I think is the most aggravating point that has been and is currently completely overlooked in discussions on this issue. A lot of commentators are talking about what the future of late night is going to be and a similar conversation took place when Leno originally announced his fake retirement and then his move to 10pm. The dominant figures in this are always Leno & Letterman and sometimes Jimmy Kimmel is mentioned as a possible dark horse. Despite all the speculation on competition in late night ratings and audience appeal there is little, or no, mention of Comedy Central. I don’t know what the ratings are compared with the major networks but I can tell you that I don’t remember the last time I’ve had a conversation about last night’s Conan, Letterman or Leno. That being said, The Daily Show & The Colbert Report actually spark conversation between individuals and bring to the forefront overlooked issues in a hilarious format. I personally (as well as many of my friends and acquaintances) find that both Colbert and Stewart have many more laughs per minute than any of the other talk show hosts. Additionally both shows are much more acclaimed. Not to mention The Daily Show has won Best Varity Series for SEVEN years running at the Emmys. I’ve shockingly heard rumours that Stewart was actually to replace Letterman at some point! This seems completely illogical to me – it is the equivalent to Letterman moving to NBC at his current time slot when and if Leno ever retires. It should be noted that Stewart is actually on from 11-1130pm. Therefore I’d be very interested to see how The Colbert Report matches up with NBC and CBS during the only portion of their shows that is capable of being comical; before the second & third guest come out and during their monologue/sketches from eleven-thirty till midnight. Everything after this point on Conan, Letterman & Leno is usually sluggish and significantly less watchable than the first half hour of their shows.

 The interview segment can go either way on late night talk shows – depending on the guest this portion can give you all the reason to change the channel when watching NBC or CBS. Unless you are interested in the guest is it rarely entertaining to watch Leno, Conan or Letterman interview the author of a new book on green economics or the captain of the women’s speed skating team.  However, on especially Colbert (because Stewart can be awkward at times and he tends to be deliberately purposeful in some of his more political interviews), there can be anyone in the guest chair and you are usually guaranteed laugh-out-loud comedy. I saw that personality and body of a marlin Michael Phelps on Colbert and I actually didn’t contemplate suicide. I am certain that anyone as mentally and as socially retarded as Phelps would have caused a blind, deaf and comatose person to turn to The Weather Channel if he were a guest on The Late Show or Tonight Show.   

In conclusion NBC certainly has a broadcasting quagmire on their hands. Leno and Conan could certainly condense their sluggish segments into half-hour time slots – from 1130-12 and 12-30 respectively. However Fallon needs to be put down. While I’m not a fan of Leno, old people need to watch something. As for Letterman, I wish for comedy’s sake he never quit drinking or impregnated an older woman than he usually bangs. Also don’t assume that Conan is comfortable and naturally funny – being bad at what you do actually works for Ferguson. And finally everything that airs on NBC, CBS, ABC & FOX after 10pm on weeknights is completely irrelevant because Colbert and Stewart are truly the big shaft and balls not only in late night, but quiet possibly in all of current television broadcasting.