Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

“What did I say?!”

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Do you ever get in an argument with someone because they said something offensive to you and their response to your anger is “What did I say?” They know exactly what they said, it was a second ago, and yet they believe they can deceive you by claiming ignorance. By stating that they are completely unaware of the words that come out of their very own mouths they are not only giving more evidence that they’re assholes but also inferring they could have some serious mental issues. Aside from suffering from tourettes syndrome there is really no excuse for saying this.

Dickhead/ Immediate amnesiac: “I just wanted to say you’re a very ugly person.”

Normal person: “Fuck you.”

Dick/ Immediate amnesiac: “What did I say?!”

Normal person: “Did you forget to take your medication? Were you hit in the head? Are you the guy from Memento? You said I was ugly, you fucking moron!”

If you’re the normal person in this situation you should consider suffocating your counterpart in their sleep to put them out of their misery. I don’t know if I’d want to go on living if I didn’t know what words were coming out of my own mouth at any given moment.

Of course I realize it is linguistically instinctive for people to respond the way of the above dickhead character but it doesn’t make any logical sense. Even if you didn’t expect the person you were speaking with to be offended you still are aware that when you open your mouth and move your tongue you may be capable of producing words that are audible to the human ear.

The problem is people are not honest in most conversations especially when discussing a topic of some aggravation. The same goes for when one needs to get something off one’s chest towards a person they know. One will usually preface by saying something to the likes of: “Don’t be offended, BUT…” or the always popular “I don’t mean to rude, BUT…” – these are also examples of conversational retardation. I always try and avoid the above quotes. You can’t tell someone not to be offended; it’s personal emotion, one that a second party can’t simply halt by saying so.

The same could be said for when you are giving someone shit for whatever reason and they respond by saying: “What’s your problem?” I don’t get this.  It’s as if they’ve just entered the universe and are only aware that another entity is unhappy but have no concept of the surrounding circumstances.

Normal person: “Excuse me but I can’t help but notice that you’re speaking on your cell phone too loud and I find it very distracting.”

Dick who has just entered earth: “What’s your problem?”

Normal person: “My problem now seems to be that I am speaking to someone with less a grasp of reality than the Rain Man.”

You always get the above-mentioned phrase from people with huge yet fragile egos that deflate or inflate with the most trifle of influences. You know who I am talking about, those dicks at bars or guys that flip on you because you teased them jokingly. What I don’t get about these dicks is why do they become so insecure when someone makes a friendly joke about them or happens to touch shoulders with them outside a bar? You would think they’d have more confidence because they are so eager to show off their awkward bar fighting skills. Is there something I am missing here? Does beating someone up because they made fun of you make your dick bigger?

I’ve also noticed that the few times I’ve happen to offend these insecure tough guys, by talking to them the same way I would speak with the majority of people that are comfortable with themselves, they always end up lecturing me on how to improve my people skills. Here’s a typical example of such a situation:

Me (a kind of normal person, speaking informally with what I thought was an acquaintance with whom I can speak freely and jokingly): “Hey, I see you’re using Splenda instead of sugar, I heard that’s what homosexuals use in their coffee.”

Someone (whom I thought could take a joke since they had insulted me in a cordial away on several occasions and these types of wise cracks only helped to strengthen our male-bonding): “Hey, you better watch what you say!”

Me: “Wouh, wouh, wouh….I’m sorry I guess I don’t have the advanced social skills you have. I was under the impression that people who know each other well enough can quip with one another, but apparently I was wrong. From now on I’ll go through my life as serious as a high-ranking Nazi Party official who beats people to a pulp because they inferred indirectly and illogical that they participate in erotic acts with those of the same sex. That’s how people should act with one another.”

Honestly, every time some dude who thinks fighting adds inches to their already shriveled penis is upset at my friendly mocking they always say something along the lines of “You better watch who you’re talking to!” or the always popular “Be careful what you say!” I’m sorry you sexually frustrated and obviously insecure individuals but I’m going to continue to mock people and assume that the size of their penises don’t have an affect on their ability to communicate with their fellow humans. I would contend that I, who can take a joke, am in a much better position to give advice on how to associate with individuals than those that threaten violence because of a sarcastic remark.

Maybe it’s me but I think I have a pretty sound grasp of reality and human discussion. And anyone who uses the above ridiculed phrases should either try being a bit more honest by owning up to their own utterances and/or attempt to understand that threatening someone you’re even somewhat close to with physical violence because they inferred you’re gay for an arbitrary and obviously sarcastic reason might not be the best way to go about your day-to-day life.


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