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Archive for March 2010

Tom Cruise is fucking great

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Today we’re going to talk about Tom Cruise, that’s right, Tom Cruise. Ethan Hunt himself, Mr. Scientology, Tom fucking Cruise. This guy seems to anger people and I think it is my duty, as a loyal fan of many of his films, to come to his heterosexual defence. Like any good academic paper I will refute any and all the arguments made against Mr. Cruise in any way possible and I will pay particular homage to his excellent filmography as evidence of his greatness.

Let’s start right off the bat and acknowledge the elephant in the room: Tom Cruise is, I will admit and to the best of my knowledge, the equivalent to the Pope for scientologists. But big fucking deal, the guy’s religious or has certain views on psychology – who gives a shit? All of a sudden you can’t be religious and make good movies. Many people in Hollywood are religious and nobody shits on them like they shit on Cruise. There’s this religion called “Kabbalah” that is “the hottest thing” in Hollywood with devotees such as Madonna, Demi Moore and Victoria Beckham – does their affection to this obscure faith affect anyone’s appreciation for whatever these ladies do? Nope. But Tom Cruise calls himself a scientologist and it drives everyone up a fucking tree! Why? Because scientology is fucked? I’ve got news for you: every religion is fucked, that’s why they’re religions. Other celebs like Donald Trump and Vin Diesel are into the same shit as TC and no one poops on them. I realize people perceive Tom Cruise to be shoving his religion into everyone’s face, unlike the above celebs, but this is not necessarily true.  Everyone is just seeking out footage of Jerry Maguire preaching about scientology or criticizing a practice that isn’t in sync with his faith. Tom Cruise hasn’t really said much about scientological beliefs, but when he does it gets all the google hits and TMZ headlines.

This brings us to The Today Show incident. So apparently back in ’05 there was this actress named “Brooke Shields” that told that doormat Matt Lauer that she had a chemical imbalance and psychiatric pharmaceuticals helped cure her depression. And when Lauer pressed TC in a future interview Cruise said he was against psychiatry and prescription drugs to cope with mental issues. The way that I see this is that if I’m going to get advice from actors on how to deal with personal problems I’m going to listen to the man that brought us Mission Impossible over some b-list celeb whose only credit to her name is a shit sitcom in the 90s. And this whole incident is really the responsibility of anchor Matt Lauer; a man for far too long has been walking that thin line between douche bag and TV news personality.

I think we can all agree that the reason most people are annoyed by the Rain Man is because he’s part of an obscure religion. Well you know what hugely overrated actor is an IN-THE-CLOSET-SCIENTOLOGIST? The Fresh Prince himself: Will Smith. He and his wife actually own a private children’s school that teaches scientology and Big Willy Style doesn’t have the blockbusters to admit to being part of that organization – what a pussy. But that doesn’t surprise me because Will Smith probably left his balls on the streets of Bel-Air. Since The Fresh Prince ended Mr. Wild Wild West has produced few things as entertaining as that episode Will bought speed from some white kid at school and give to Carleton who then ODed (that was comic gold). I mean, he’s in one shit action movie every summer and then counters that with a heart-warming drama at Christmas– Will Smith never takes a risk. I think we should hold our mediocre blockbuster actors to an equal standard.

The unfortunate thing about being Born on the Fourth of July is that no matter how good he acts people aren’t going to like it enough. Tom Cruise is too good looking and perceived as being so arrogant that he is always going to be under appreciated for his craft. This is not to say that Dr. Bill is an outstanding actor but he can shake it in many different genres (take note of his roles in Magnolia and Tropic Thunder for instance). This under appreciation for good-looking men in cinema I have classified accordingly as “Tom Cruise-Syndrome.” And some other actors that may suffer from it (in some instances more severally) are possibly Leo Dicapio, and Braddy Pitt. No matter how realistic these guys are in a role they’re going to be held back because of their chiseled features – if an ugly guy had played the same part and been half as good their praise would be doubled. It’s a shame.

Now to get back to Maverick. I don’t think you can write a thorough paper on TC without considering the plethora of rumours surrounding his personal life. First off, obviously there’s the speculation that’s he’s a gay – even if he is who gives a fuck? I wouldn’t care if he was a fag – it wouldn’t make A Few Good Men any less of a great film. Then there was the obviously logical and sound gossip that Mrs. Cruise – the chick from Batman Begins/the things I would eat out of her ass – Katie Holmes actually auditioned to play the part of child barrier to Tom Cruise. Secretly every man on the face of the earth would go through a similar process if they had the power and the money that the Last Samurai has. So even though it’s bullshit, it’s understandable. And he’s Tom Cruise for fuck’s sake, there’s got to be some kind of screening process, right?! Everyone also likes to make fun of how short he is. I enjoy making fun of people’s physical disadvantages as much as anyone but I bet his shortness is exaggerated – he’s probably no shorter than like 5.6”. There’s also his crazy antics that seems to get a lot of attention: like when he jumped around on Oprah’s couch after he started dating Katie – that was just fucked…I’ve got nothing else to say about that.

To summarize my above contentions for a better understanding of the greatness of David Aames himself – Mr. Tom Cruise – I’m going to leave you with a little top ten list I’ve compiled of my personal favourite TC flicks. And I know for a fact that any of you reading this will probably stop and watch at least half of these movies if you saw them on TBS on a Sunday afternoon.

Firstly, honourable mention goes to: Minority Report (entertaining Spielberg action/sci-fi), Interview with a Vampire (who doesn’t like good-looking vampires these days?), Mission Impossible sequels (very cheesy action movies but still much better than anything Will Smith’s done), A Few Good Men (should have been called “A Few Good Actors [including TC]”) and Tropic Thunder (it’s pretty funny).

Number 10:

“Talk to me Goose….”

Top Gun

Despite every scene taking place against a back drop of a sunset and sweat dripping off Maverick continuously, this movie is fantastically entertaining. It is my ultimate guilty pleasure. The film is riddled with gay innuendoes and has one of the cheesiest, yet most-desirable, soundtracks every recorded.

Number 9:

“Hot water burn baby!!”

Rain Man

Who doesn’t love this movie? An interesting role for Cruise to take on so early in his career. A great on the road /buddy story/actor’s acting film. Dustin Hoffman deserves equal cred for making this picture as entraining as it is.

Number 8:

“Big fucking erect penis, mom!!”

Born on the Fourth of July

Another great performance that we so easily forget when someone sprays a squirt gun in his face. This movie brings attention to the impressively long list of acclaimed directors Maverick has worked with (Stone, Anderson, Scorsese, Kubrick, De Palma and Spielberg – to mention the best). This truly good film earned Cruise a Golden Globe win and an Oscar nomination.

Number 7:

“Respect the cock!”


One of many of P.T. Anderson’s near masterpieces, this is probably TC’s most shocking and outstanding role. He won another Golden Globe and was nominated again for an Oscar. His acting in this movie proves what many of us already know he is capable of. Just watch the clip and you’ll know what I mean.

Number 6:

“Did you tell Julie I was her ‘Fuck Buddy’?”

Vanilla Sky

What a wild fucking ride this movie is. It is one of the few films that can move eloquently between surrealism and entertainment. You’ll never guess how it ends. TC pretty much plays himself but, of course, it’s awesome.

Number 5:

“I love black people!”

Jerry Maguire

Standard Golden Globe win and Oscar nod again. Probably the funniest of all Cruise’s roles and one of the few films that Cuba Gooding Jr. is affiliated with that is not complete shit. Too many classic lines to even start. You’ve all scene it and love it.

Number 4:

“Red light… light!!”

Mission Impossible

Tell me this movie isn’t incredibly exciting? I fucking dare you! One of the best action movies of the 90s. TC cements his role as Ethan Hunt and kick-started a franchise to rival Bond and Bourne. Great use of early Internet capabilities and some of the most over-the-top action scenes in big budget history, yet it works.

Number 3:

“Rack ’em up for Mr. Fast Eddie!”

The Color of Money

Probably Tom Cruise’s most overlooked movie. Directed by the great Martin Scorsese and an early look at the film techniques the great one would use in the future Goodfellas.

Number 2:

“There’s only one thing left to do: fuck”

Eyes Wide Shut

Don’t forget this film and role by Tom Cruise. Probably some of his greatest acting and let’s not forget who it’s directed by (Stanley Kubrick: the Clockwork Orange man himself) I don’t think anyone that can appreciate a great movie like this would have a bad word to say about Maverick.

Number 1:

“Sometimes you’ve just got to say, ‘what the fuck?’ and make your move”

Risky Business

The magnum opus of coming-of-age films (with 98 percent on RTM to prove it). Considered The Graduate of not our generation but the generation prior – however it’s still very relevant. Every young man can relate to Joel – nervous about getting laid and yet focused on succeeding as man. The movie that started it all – the greatest movie Tom Cruise has ever acted in and that is saying a lot!


Written by shanedantimo

March 22, 2010 at 6:03 am