Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Archive for April 2010

Take my swim trunks

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Today we’re going to talk about the weather, that’s right, the weather. I don’t know if anyone’s noticed but it has been incredibly unseasonably warm this past couple of weeks. All across Ontario and Quebec record high temperatures were significantly broken over the Holy Weekend. Even the weeks leading up to Christ’s resurrection were quite warm – usually hovering around 20 degrees centigrade. Divine intervention? Probably not. This type of weather actually disproves the Fox News science that global warming does not exist because just like when there is a snow storm in winter it means climate change is a myth, record high temperatures theoretically proves that the hosts of Fox and Friends are scientifically retarded.

With this early change in weather come some interesting points of departure. What I find so fascinating, and yes particularly annoying at times, is how quickly people are able to find and clothe themselves in their summer garbs. Every mo-fucker I saw this weekend and almost half the people out in public over the last week were wearing flip-flops, shorts, sunglasses and tank tops. Did they all just get back from a fucking cruise or something? I went to look for my lone pair of shorts yesterday and found them buried in the back of my closet, stuffed in a ball, completely wrinkled and with many unique unidentifiable stains. I hadn’t worn these fucking things for like 9 months. So how did everyone else find and clean their summer clothes so quickly? You mean to tell they have the energy to dig through their closet and actually do laundry just so they can be slightly more comfortable for a short period of time? I know it was in the high 20s in the afternoon but it is still early spring, that means the temperature dips down significantly at night –and will across the board in the coming days. If these pre-mature-summer-ejaculators already have their air-conditioning on or enter a building with AC they’re probably going to feel quite chilly and that mixed with sweat and little clothing means you’ve got a fucking cold. My humble advice is to not start sucking Mother Nature’s dick just yet – it is 15 degrees right now and it calls for rain the rest of the week with temperatures lower than the high-teens.

I know a lot of the people that have been walking around half-naked are the same ones that complain when it isn’t hot enough for them. These selfish sun-worshipers want to go to the beach. I will attempt to enlighten suffers of seasonal retardation disorder – you are living in Canada and climate-related desires should be much more egalitarian. These assholes are just like the people in the winter that want it to snow – they want to go snowboarding for 3 hours a month and the jerks in the summer want to go to the beach for an hour on the weekend.  What about everybody else that has to put up with the shitty weather every fucking day?! Did you think of them? Or are you too busy sitting in an air-conditioned or climate-controlled office dreaming of ugly people in limited clothing or driving four hours so you can embarrass yourself by falling down some hill while attempting to ski? There are people who have to work outside all day in the summer and they’d appreciate it if you didn’t desire for it to be freaking 35 degrees plus humidity so you can wear a four-year old bathing suit for the second time. I just finished shooting my wad on people with old lift tickets on their coats and now some faggot wants it to get hotter so he can swim in polluted water. Not going to happen. Just enjoy the weather for what it is, don’t get too excited.

I believe I have a very accurate theory for the existence of this summer-obsessed syndrome that causes everyone to go Jersey Shore at the first sign of light after 6pm. Because our winters are so long here in Canada many of us jump the gun on summer, dive into our closets, throwing sweaters and socks all over the place, just so we can find a wrinkled pair of shorts and an old dirty pair of sandals that we’ll have to then clean and iron just so we can go out for a few hours and fight the elements – an opposing set of climatic elements nonetheless but no-less capable of being equally uncomfortable for a great many of us.