Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

How to add inches to your dick

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Today we’re going to talk about penis size, that’s right, penis size. All heterosexual homophobic men and boys know that the key to a woman’s heart and vagina is a huge, circumcised member. However, we’re not all blessed and born with sufficiently large dicks. But don’t go gay just yet – you’re dick can get bigger with just a little bit of effort and some overly masculine ambition.  I’m going to advise all you straight men out there on obvious ways to lengthen your penis through completely superficial means.

Firstly, a number of masculine males have told me that you need to do many manly things to prove that you’re not a gay and help grow your genitals. I’ll admit: I’ve been caught, on occasion, drinking a light beer – this is a no-no apparently. Even the one percent decrease in alcohol level from regular to light beer goes a long way in the size of one’s penis. Thankfully I drink hard liquor straight, thus with the 40 percent volume in those drinks I can make up for the centimetres lost from drinking a pussy drink like “Pabst or Coors Light”(I eagerly await the enthusiastic shitting-on of both these products via the comments section).  Consequently one can only logically conclude that anything with less than 5 percent alcohol in it would shrink one’s dick – this would include any type of non-alcoholic beverage such as tap water or juice (however it is save to assume that guys who consume protein drinks before working-out have huge cocks – just look at how big those powder jars are).

If you’re interested in increasing the girth or length of your penis even further take note of men that show off their masculinity through the cars they drive. A good idea would be to buy a shitty Honda Civic, put a bunch of stupid crap on it, make sure the bottom of the car almost touches the ground and play through a subpar stereo system really repetitive annoying club music unnecessarily loud with the bass turned up so high that it is impossible to hear anything but the vibrations of the beat. This will add at least one half to three quarters of an inch to the length of your cock. If you can afford a better car than a $1,000 used Civic get a gas guzzling truck or SUV – it doesn’t matter that you live in your mom’s basement in the suburbs and will get no use out of the cargo area or off-roading capabilities, the waste of space as well as money lost on gas will be made up for in the increased weight of your balls. You’ll need the extra legroom for those impressively large genitals when you’re backing the car out of the driveway to let your mom park in the garage.

Now, if you’re still not content with the measurement of your fully erect penis (and honestly, no one ever is) modify your wardrobe unnecessarily and uncomfortably. What’s important is that you look like you have a big dick; you’re probably not going to get laid anyways so actual girth or length is irrelevant. Just try to appear cool regardless of how ridiculous you look. Spend hundreds of dollars on tracksuits that your favourite rapper wore in a music video, buy sunglasses that are at least four times more costly than other brands but equally as capable of blocking out the sun (remember to wear the sunglasses indoors as well to give your dick that extra edge), clothing should be tight-fitting to showcase any pathetic attempt at muscle, in the winter (like sunglasses) wear scarves indoors, and most importantly when you purchase a baseball cap remember to leave the sales sticker attached for eternity and do not bend the brim in the least – this will guarantee a penis large enough to satisfy your inflated or quite possibly completely hollow ego.

I hope these few points have been helpful to you and if you’ve taken any of this seriously the joke’s on you – fags like big dicks too.


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