Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

The Hardest Thing About Being Me

with 2 comments

Today we’re going to talk about facial hair, that’s right, facial hair. For roughly 18 months I have had a beard of varying bushiness. What amazes me most is people’s amazement towards my unkemptness. It is as if I am living in a society of adolescent boys who can’t wait to grow hair on their sacks so they can officially call themselves men. Most adult males are at least somewhat capable of growing a decent beard. Although not all men grow lengthy hair on their faces some do. Since I have had my beard I have garnered a great deal of unwarranted and at times annoying attention. Firstly, I encounter many young, at least nearly clean-cut, men (some of my good friends among them) that choose to live vicariously through the hair on my face. Also, although I expected to be the subject of many taunts, jibes, and jokes because of my beard I did not anticipate such a lack of comical and derogatory diversity.

If my beard is even vaguely mentioned in conversation there is at least one bloke who, not usually for the first time (or the last), suggests various ridiculous ways I should design or groom my facial hair. I’ve heard it all – from out-of-style chinstraps, to handlebar mustaches, to a dyed-white Santa Clause beard. Many of my acquaintances assume that just because I don’t shave my face I would not mind looking like a jackass as well.  Because I have a beard does not necessarily designate me to trim a goatee or mustache solely for people’s amusement. As mentioned, many men can go grow facial hair so if you want to look like Captain Morgan or Johnny Depp than you fucking doing it yourself, you facial hair pussy! I have a life to live and I don’t want to walk around looking like a Pirate – I am hopeful that there may be women willing to have intercourse with me under certain circumstances. The principle to this sub-issue is that I am not going to look anymore like a pathetic loser just so my chums can have few laughs. You wouldn’t want to walk around looking like you should be wearing a puffy shirt and neither would I, you dumb shits!

The above observation moves me to assume that many young men see facial hair as something that would be completely objectionable to the fairer sex. This is a rather unwarranted and considerably arbitrary point-of-view. Men with beards have intercourse all the time and clean-cut boys are completely capable of being homosexuals or masturbating more times than they would care to admit. The fact of the matter is that my sexual contact rates have neither risen nor fallen since I grew my beard during the Christmas Season of ’08.  And the individuals who seem to aggressively assume that hair on one’s face is the poon-genocide could easily have a miniscule roster of intercourse partners.

As stated in conjunction with not shaving are often certain quips and comments about one’s facial hair. Furthermore with a tanned olive complexion I am willing to entertain certain racist comparisons to jihadist terrorists and taxicab drivers. However, the level of Islamophobic wisecracks is severely disproportional to a whole slew of potential beard jokes that have already been made famous by the multi-talented comedic genius & winner of Most Difficult Last Name To Spell Award: Zach Galifianakis. I have yet to even once be called a pedophile or hear any allusions to having sex with a child – this is disappointing. Not even a fisherman joke. I’ve only once been called “Serpico” and I don’t recall anyone asking me if I’m a movie director. These are the types of jokes I would make if I were making fun of people that look like myself. Unfortunately, 9/11 changed everything. Before those planes crashed into the World Trade Centre men with hair on their faces lived in the woods and cut down trees for a living, now all they do is strap bombs to themselves and blow up school children. The sad thing is it’s the humour that suffers most.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my discourse on the hair on my face. Hopefully the next time you see a guy with a beard you won’t automatically assume he’ll have trouble at the airport; maybe he kidnapped a child and has had her in his basement for 15 years or he could just be a drug addict. And maybe, just maybe, that bearded young man is just like you – a lame underachiever who has thoughts of getting his dick sucked every 3-5 minutes even though he hasn’t received fellatio since high school and came quicker than a pit-bull on a poodle when he did.


Written by shanedantimo

June 14, 2010 at 1:33 am

2 Responses

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  1. There is somewhat of a “fuck you Chidley” undertone.

    Andrew Chidley

    September 11, 2010 at 9:29 pm

  2. absolutely. I can wait till the next time I see you and the first comment from you will be about my facial hair. It’s a beard, get over it!


    September 13, 2010 at 1:58 am

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