Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

The Party

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Today we’re going to talk about getting drunk and having intercourse. That’s right, getting drunk and having intercourse. I am referring obviously to parties. House parties from high school, college and whatever the hell people do when they have actual responsibilities. There are always at least four typical actions or scenes that are guaranteed to happen if you get enough drunk people together in the confines of one residence. You have the loud drunk broad; the close-to-pass-out drunk dude; shit getting stolen and people who you’ve seen on campus or in class but have never spoken a word with pouring their heart out to you. Also if the host or hostess is having the get-together at their parents’ home they will most likely have a horrible time because of the above items and other consequences of allowing people to have no respect for any of your personal belongings.

Allow us now to enter the party. If you get there anytime after 11 or 1130 pm you’ll probably notice, as soon as you walk in the door, on the steps leading to the second floor, a young man with the look of death on his face, barely able to keep his balance on the step he is sitting on. This dude got too excited to come to this party and probably drank half a 26er of tequila in 45 minutes and then smoked a big doobie. He’d be lucky if he doesn’t get his soon-to-be partially digested BK meal on him, his friends, or the floor. He is, however, guaranteed to vomit.

Vomiting at parties is the biggest bummer to the puker; on the other hand, it is the funniest shit to any spectator outside of the splatter range. Everyone loves a good puke story. People, when they’re drunk, think it is acceptable to puke in the oddest of areas – full recycling bins, the floor of a garage, a half empty cup of rye & coke, a plastic bag with a hole in it, or a sink overflowing with dishes. The worst part about feeling sick at a party is the attention you get. When someone is on the verge of throwing up the last thing they want to hear is, “Ohh shit, you don’t look good man! Are you going to be OK? Are you going to puke?! You look like you’re going to puke! PUKE!” Just get the poor mofucka some tap water and direct him or her towards a drain.

This segues us neatly into the next character at the party – the drunk chick. Loud, obnoxious, barely knows anyone at the party, drank way too many sugary coolers and wants to be everyone’s best friend. Stay clear of this broad at all costs (unless she has yet to reach her sixth vodka stage and her cleavage is ample – you may then be able to get a liquor-tasting makout/boobie touching session in the bathroom before she raps herself around the towel bowl.)

The drunken chick can often play the duel role of the person you barely know talking to you way too much. You’ve probably seen them in class before but have never had a real conversation with him or her. This will likely be the first thing they bring up: “YOU arre in my sccccience CLASS!” The dialogue really has nowhere further to go from here. Get away from this and move to the region designated for smoking dope.

The proprietor of the party will usually have set up a series of rules and regulations that are scarcely obeyed and often result in great stress for the host. For example: people are supposed to take off their shoes – thus they often get stolen (by the way: who the fuck are these people stealing shoes? And who the frick wears someone else’s dirty, old footwear?) Also, they don’t want to allow people into certain parts of the home – these are the rooms that will logically now be used for sexual intercourse. And smoking is usually supposed to be outside – this means the neighbours can be easily awoken from various cusses and vulgar shouting.  It is awesome that people have parties but I wouldn’t want to be the homeowner that gets vomit, semen and ash all over my furniture.

As I am well versed in the realm of getting drunk and having sex with strangers I will advise any hopeful young adults to not get too drunk for fear of vomit, embarrassment and impotency. However get pretty drunk so you can thus tolerate the other drunks and maybe, just maybe, lower your standards enough to regret having sex with that somewhat familiar face from science class.

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