Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Sexual Intercourse

with one comment

Today we’re going to talk about having sex. That’s right, intercourse. Supposedly this act’s intent is to produce offspring, but most people I think (and myself included) do it for kicks or a biological/semi-emotional need. There are different words and phrases used to describe sex; such as fucking, poking, relations, rolling in the hay, shagging…the list goes on and on. Basically it’s when a penis enters a vagina.

I often use “intercourse” when referencing my own or someone else’s erotic escapades. What I find perplexing is the funny looks I get when I say the word. We all know what it means and I don’t have to cuss or give any misconceptions when speaking of the act. On television copulating is often referred to as “sleeping together” but what does sleep have to do with it? You mean when I was a kid camping with my chums we were actually fucking each other because we slept side-by-side? I surely hope not. Then there is the phrase “making love” but that doesn’t always apply to the situation. “Making LOVE”? It should more often be called “making pleasure” or “making lust” or “making shame” if anything.

When you finally get to experience making whoopee for the first time it’s very confusing. Afterwards you think, “Was that what it’s supposed to be?” I can only speak for men (unfortunately) but besides the excitement of seeing and touching a live naked girl it just feels like mush when the threshold is originally crossed. However after a few more attempts it is, and forever will be, the greatest thing ever. It is similar to getting drunk for the first time – you down a full 26er of sherry you stole from your parent’s liquor cabinet and end up puking down your shirt then say to yourself “why do people do this?” But after a few more tries you get the feel and hang of it and inevitably conclude that “I am going to do this as much as possible for the rest of my life and I don’t care what the consequences.”

When you are too young to have sex the closest you can get is the always strenuous and erotically lacking full on dry hump. While young men can be easily aroused from a quarter inch of cleavage, dry sex does nothing more than develop severe discomfort on the tip of the penis from a jeans zipper continuously rubbing up against the organ. I’m glad those days are over (and yet these days are not a far cry).

After a poor excuse for a lap dance from your 14-year-old girlfriend you may be able to graduate to the hand job. A lot of men ridicule the hand job. They say, “I’d rather do it myself.” To that I say, “Would you blow yourself if you could?” Maybe…but that’s beside the point. The point is that a girl is touching your penis and you can’t rightfully complain about that.

When you finally are lucky enough to copulate you’re hindered with the complications of applying a condom to your penis. The package and unrolling – it can be easily botched if you’re inexperienced. Plus afterwards you’re flummoxed with what to do with this rather gross bag of semen. It always seems so much heftier than when it’s comparatively splashed on a Kleenex. If you decide to risk it and have intercourse like they did in yesteryear – that is, screw unprotected – you will find yourself thinking, “where am I supposed to bust a nut?…should I announce it when it comes?…should I climax on her body, on MYSELF (god-forbid) or some foreign object?” Those – and those points alone – are the complications of having sex.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my exposé on sexual intercourse. I actually feel like I know a thing or two about the subject (but absolutely nothing beyond that).

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Written by shanedantimo

July 18, 2010 at 8:34 pm

One Response

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  1. intercourse…

    Andrew Chidley

    September 11, 2010 at 9:21 pm


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