Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Dietary Boasting

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Are you ever about to put a piece of food in your mouth and some wise-ass next to you goes into a whole spiel about why that grub you are inevitably going to consume is unhealthy for you in some way? This happens frequently to me. I find myself eating a snack, or mentioning a food I like, and often someone will feel the need to list off nutritional facts about the item that neither I care about nor understand. I sometimes think that they are convinced that after hearing what’s in this product I will decide, instead, to skip that meal and just go on being hungry – I’m sure that’s healthy. Or maybe they are fearful that having my mouth open and a piece of food in my hand moving towards my mouth is actually a sign that I going to take that food shove it down into their big mouth and force-feed it to them. No, in fact, I intend to consume that food myself. In actuality it is save to assume that someone wants to brag.

It is obvious that there are certain eatables that may have potentially unhealthy ingredients in them.  However, while I may not have a vast array of knowledge in the area of nutrition I do know that I am poor and that I eat relatively healthy. At the grocery store I look at the product’s name, the price tag and either buy or don’t buy it. I rarely eat junk food and even more scarcely purchase fast food, chips, pop or any other obviously harmful edibles. I regularly eat vegetables (carrots, celery, cucumbers, potatoes), fruit (apples and oranges), brown bread and non-sugary cereals. I cannot afford to get any organic shit or ultra-healthy breakfast products and, yes, I eat a lot of grains because they are cheap. Mommy and Daddy don’t buy my groceries all the time. Mommy and Daddy don’t cook most of my meals. And Mommy and Daddy don’t wipe my ass – I wipe my own ass. I have to pay for my own shit so I have to buy what’s affordable and moderately healthy. I go for the low fat with most dairy products and what have you. I don’t know a lot about nutrition but I know enough to assume low fat is probably better. Why do I have to get a lecture about what’s in a cereal bar or why you shouldn’t eat so much pasta when I never asked to be informed?

The only thing worse than people who go on tirades about chemical byproducts in imported fruits regardless of the cost, are those that point out the most obvious food facts. Somebody could be eating McDonald’s and there’s always some douche that says “that is sooo bad for you.” Oh really?! We’ve got a fucking genius among us! Hey Einstein, you ever eat a Big Mac when you’re high on weed? Here’s a nutritional equation for you: it’s fucking fantastic! I think I may fight to see another day if I eat my third Quarter Pounder meal this year.

If the person eating the food didn’t ask you to attempt to stop them from consuming it the exact last moment before they swallow, don’t do it. Also don’t assume that everyone understands nutritional terms (What the fuck is “Malic Acid?”). So unless I am slitting my wrists in front of you, morbidly obese or about to eat something that will kill me at that exact moment let me worry about my own body. Keep your enlightened opinions of fast food and cryptic knowledge of No Name sliced bread to yourself.

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Written by shanedantimo

July 26, 2010 at 12:47 am

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