Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Archive for October 2010

The Beer Commercial

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The basic characteristics of 90 percent of all beer commercials presume that everyone buying the product is socially, politically, intellectually and uniformly retarded. First off and most obvious: a lifestyle is offered that is unattainable, illogical and impossible. The advertisers also assume that women never drink alcohol, especially beer, and therefore are only represented stereotypically in contrast to the douche bag men in these commercials. Thirdly, and most importantly, the creators of these ignorant pieces corporate propaganda figure that for every three slightly-bearded, laid-back, twenty-something year-old white dudes there is one (and no more than one!) anglicized, white-bred, less important black guy.

To reinforce my most evident contention: there is in no way a connection between drinking a certain brand of beer and having intercourse with attractive women. There is, however, a connection between intense intoxication and sexual interaction of various degrees. You may find yourself penetrating a random orifice of some kind if you consume a high level of booze but that does not mean it’s anything to be proud of and/or are able/want to remember the next morning. There are no “Captain’s Moments” or “Bud Rules” to attracting the opposite sex. For god’s sake, a guy gets a girl’s # on a goddamn napkin in a current Budweiser commercial! A napkin? What year is this, 1970? You might as well not worry about the AIDS virus or stagflation if you’re going to regard this commercial as anything less than insulting to your intelligence on primal level.

Even worse than the above is the Coors Light commercials (I’m off Coors). What the fuck is the “Coors Light Mystery Mansion?” I am assuming from the conspicuous  clues I’ve seen it is a brothel with willing prepaid prostitutes sponsored by the Coors company and if it is anything less than that anyone who wins an invite would likely demand fellatio performed upon them forthwith based on the impressions given in the ads.  And Coors’s other big promotion or slogan is that it is somehow “colder” than other beers. How the fuck can it be colder? That doesn’t make sense – they’re all from the flipping fridge! It’s brewed in a colder place? Who gives a shit? Is it a superhero beer incapable of getting below a certain degree centigrade? Shut the fuck up.

Now let’s discuss the social ignorance of major brewing companies. According to most alcohol commercials women are magical little hot fairies that appear when you order a drink at bar. They’re just there for our amusement and they’re all incredibly attractive. If this were true I’d be fucking hammered right now. And of course there is the courtesy black guy. This is the house-negro that smiles when his white friend is able to cleverly impress a girl because of the confidence empowered in him by a certain brand of alcohol. Of course every three white guys has one black friend that dresses in white-people garb and gives us a thumbs up whenever we have sex and he doesn’t. I aspire for a day when companies reach the level of still-ignorant, money-driven political incorrectness when an Asian guy, a brown guy & a guy in wheelchair all appear one-to-four with middle-class adult white males in corporate advertising.

If we are to at all slow down the wholesale of this bullshit, incompetently broadcast, racist, sexist and insulting fantasy world we must simply do the opposite of what these ads want us to do. Please, stop buying their shit. If you think a commercial is stupid don’t put down your semi-hard-earned flow for that subpar product. They’re insulting your intelligence and you willingly and knowingly became a dumber person every time you consume that which you are told to consume.

Urinating in Stalls

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“I’ve always been a stall-man”

–       George Costanza

When confronted with the task of peeing in a public washroom nine times out of ten I will choose to whip my dick out in a private, comfortable stall. I don’t do this because I am a homophobe; I simply don’t want to see another man’s penis and I don’t want another man to see mine. It is an incredibly obvious decision to easily avoid NOT having male genitalia in my purview.

The Showers

I’ve been told that when one showers with completely nude men in a gym or after a game there is certain “etiquette” practiced. Apparently you somehow ignore the multiple hideous members around you and this evidently leads to an absolute heterosexually comfortable environment. I, myself, don’t play sports and thus don’t have the undeniable pleasure of carelessly waving my big thang around the locker room. However, I could somewhat fathom not being as fazed once getting into the habit of it. Yet why to so many straight men is the thought of several women showering a blatant sexual fantasy and males doing the same together not considered in the least bit homoerotic?

Homophobia

Now that I’ve proven any guy that has seen another man naked is a complete and gigantic homosexual I will explain my obvious and staunch heterosexuality. I don’t fear gays, I don’t fear a gay’s dick particularly, but what I do fear is dicks in general. These things are disturbing. I’m dickophobic – a sub-negative attitude towards certain groups in society (men) that precisely allocates my type of personally explicit sexual discrimination.

Insecurity

If you happen to be a dude that often pisses in urinals you’re likely to presume I’m shy or ashamed of my genitals. Of course I am, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never been nude with someone before. I’ve been around the block on a few occasions and those situations were awkward and graphic because we made funny faces and our genitals were exposed.

Penis Size

Of course I have a huge penis so this in no way has anything to with why I use stalls. If anything, I need the extra space to properly maneuver my schlong.

Types of Urinals

There are different types of urinals and some lend themselves to being evaded. The smaller units that stick out and cause you to stand back about ten feet, or the rarer troughs, are a no-brainer. If you’re at a concert venue that has a washroom equipped with these compact awkward receptacles you’ll probably learn by heart the length, circumference and pubic hair design of the men on either side of you after a 30 second tinkle. There’s also the kind that extend to the ground – I feel like I’m going to get pee on my shoe when whiz in these. If there are barriers or “splash guards” between urinals – then I have no problem. They should all have these obstructions. Women pee in stalls; they don’t just pop-a-squat along a wall of drains with only their hips and asses covered.

Types of pants

Wearing pants with a button-fly is a consequential deterrence towards the use of a urinal. It is very difficult to unbutton a fly without unfastening the top stud under the belt, thus you need the privacy to wave freely and avoid your buckle slapping up against the side of urine-soaked ceramic.

When I’m Drunk

Then I just don’t give a fuck. Drinking seems to encourage the revealing of reproductive organs.

Conclusion

In short having the decision to either relieving myself in private or touching shoulders with someone else while they do the same is a forgone conclusion. Homoeroticism exists in the nearness of same sex genitalia and if all I have to do is go behind a door to avoid this than I will.

Written by shanedantimo

October 13, 2010 at 11:15 pm