Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Urinating in Stalls

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“I’ve always been a stall-man”

–       George Costanza

When confronted with the task of peeing in a public washroom nine times out of ten I will choose to whip my dick out in a private, comfortable stall. I don’t do this because I am a homophobe; I simply don’t want to see another man’s penis and I don’t want another man to see mine. It is an incredibly obvious decision to easily avoid NOT having male genitalia in my purview.

The Showers

I’ve been told that when one showers with completely nude men in a gym or after a game there is certain “etiquette” practiced. Apparently you somehow ignore the multiple hideous members around you and this evidently leads to an absolute heterosexually comfortable environment. I, myself, don’t play sports and thus don’t have the undeniable pleasure of carelessly waving my big thang around the locker room. However, I could somewhat fathom not being as fazed once getting into the habit of it. Yet why to so many straight men is the thought of several women showering a blatant sexual fantasy and males doing the same together not considered in the least bit homoerotic?

Homophobia

Now that I’ve proven any guy that has seen another man naked is a complete and gigantic homosexual I will explain my obvious and staunch heterosexuality. I don’t fear gays, I don’t fear a gay’s dick particularly, but what I do fear is dicks in general. These things are disturbing. I’m dickophobic – a sub-negative attitude towards certain groups in society (men) that precisely allocates my type of personally explicit sexual discrimination.

Insecurity

If you happen to be a dude that often pisses in urinals you’re likely to presume I’m shy or ashamed of my genitals. Of course I am, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never been nude with someone before. I’ve been around the block on a few occasions and those situations were awkward and graphic because we made funny faces and our genitals were exposed.

Penis Size

Of course I have a huge penis so this in no way has anything to with why I use stalls. If anything, I need the extra space to properly maneuver my schlong.

Types of Urinals

There are different types of urinals and some lend themselves to being evaded. The smaller units that stick out and cause you to stand back about ten feet, or the rarer troughs, are a no-brainer. If you’re at a concert venue that has a washroom equipped with these compact awkward receptacles you’ll probably learn by heart the length, circumference and pubic hair design of the men on either side of you after a 30 second tinkle. There’s also the kind that extend to the ground – I feel like I’m going to get pee on my shoe when whiz in these. If there are barriers or “splash guards” between urinals – then I have no problem. They should all have these obstructions. Women pee in stalls; they don’t just pop-a-squat along a wall of drains with only their hips and asses covered.

Types of pants

Wearing pants with a button-fly is a consequential deterrence towards the use of a urinal. It is very difficult to unbutton a fly without unfastening the top stud under the belt, thus you need the privacy to wave freely and avoid your buckle slapping up against the side of urine-soaked ceramic.

When I’m Drunk

Then I just don’t give a fuck. Drinking seems to encourage the revealing of reproductive organs.

Conclusion

In short having the decision to either relieving myself in private or touching shoulders with someone else while they do the same is a forgone conclusion. Homoeroticism exists in the nearness of same sex genitalia and if all I have to do is go behind a door to avoid this than I will.

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Written by shanedantimo

October 13, 2010 at 11:15 pm

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