Scourge and Transparency

The Rise and Fall of Advanced Social Journalism during the Early Twenty-First Century

Posts Tagged ‘alcohol

Fucking Amsterdam…

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Reclining on a mattress flat on the floor in a skid row bedroom. There is a dreary – almost balmy – weather breezing through the window. Syd Barret purposely plays in the background. I would never have tolerated this place if it were not for living off the shirt off my back in Western Europe for over a month.

Amsterdam seems like I good place to start: if Vegas ever fucked me, this Dutch city raped me ten times over like a slender shaved young kid serving an almost suspended sentence. After literally pissing sour Belgium beer for several days I walked around the so-called “weed capital of the world” looking for a pint under 5 euros.  On the streets of Amsterdam it is very easy to get talked into buying hard drugs. One of the many black gentlemen hustling got me to purchase a gram for 40 euros (a price I soon realized was popular).

Now – I was high and wondering through the Red Light district. I’d say I exchanged two words with some dude before we decided to binge together. I said, “what’s up?” and he says “I’m waiting for my buddy to fuck a hooker.” His friend walks out of a room right after our conversation shouting “God damn, I couldn’t cum! Do you wanta do some molly?” I say “yes” and mention the cocaine.

Long story short: it’s 7 am and I’m in a cutthroat hotel out of drugs and out of my mind. I tell these dudes I’m gonna make my way back to the hostel I’ve yet slept in to get some much-needed snooze hours. But they incessantly harass me to hang with them. Mind you I don’t even know these guy’s names. When push comes to shove they convince me by explaining that we’ll grab some beer for the time being and all will be right with the world.

So after being high as fuck till the sun rises over the canal you’ve got two anglophones with blue-ish snot dripping down their noses from ecstasy looking for a place that’s open to sell us a 2-4 so we can keep the buzz going. We eventually get some pilsner and keep drinking…and we get more Charlie….and more Charlie…or maybe it was M???  You can never be too sure with these European drug pushers. 

Well the next thing I know we’re snorting in my new best friends’ hotel room and they begin to pass out. And I can’t hold this against them considering we’ve been awake for about 36 hours and had nothing but drugs and alcohol in our systems.  But since they’re falling asleep I’m left with very little entertainment. When I look at these sleepyheads I realize I’m pretty sure I’ve paid for the better half of the coke we’ve got left. So I snort a couple lines, grab a beer for the road and steal two smokes out of their side pocket. Immediately I go downstairs and ask directions for a market I vaguely remember that is supposedly near my accommodations. When I arrive I wolf down some delicious French fries with mayo or something-or-ever and somehow make it back to the hostel.

When I awake I have no coherent memory of whether I arrived at my residence during either daylight or during night. Nor I am quite sure what day of the week and/or month it is. From the window view it is apparently dark outside. I go to the restroom to brush my teeth. The first man in the sink next to me I ask, “excuse me, do you what time it is?” and he bluntly answers, “I have not a fucking clue, man!” The next guy I ask the same question and he replies in a muffled accent, while examining his watch, “I don’t know because…I haven’t changed since my country….so sorry.” Fucking Amsterdam…and I spent five more days there…

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Written by shanedantimo

January 15, 2014 at 12:28 am

The Beer Commercial

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The basic characteristics of 90 percent of all beer commercials presume that everyone buying the product is socially, politically, intellectually and uniformly retarded. First off and most obvious: a lifestyle is offered that is unattainable, illogical and impossible. The advertisers also assume that women never drink alcohol, especially beer, and therefore are only represented stereotypically in contrast to the douche bag men in these commercials. Thirdly, and most importantly, the creators of these ignorant pieces corporate propaganda figure that for every three slightly-bearded, laid-back, twenty-something year-old white dudes there is one (and no more than one!) anglicized, white-bred, less important black guy.

To reinforce my most evident contention: there is in no way a connection between drinking a certain brand of beer and having intercourse with attractive women. There is, however, a connection between intense intoxication and sexual interaction of various degrees. You may find yourself penetrating a random orifice of some kind if you consume a high level of booze but that does not mean it’s anything to be proud of and/or are able/want to remember the next morning. There are no “Captain’s Moments” or “Bud Rules” to attracting the opposite sex. For god’s sake, a guy gets a girl’s # on a goddamn napkin in a current Budweiser commercial! A napkin? What year is this, 1970? You might as well not worry about the AIDS virus or stagflation if you’re going to regard this commercial as anything less than insulting to your intelligence on primal level.

Even worse than the above is the Coors Light commercials (I’m off Coors). What the fuck is the “Coors Light Mystery Mansion?” I am assuming from the conspicuous  clues I’ve seen it is a brothel with willing prepaid prostitutes sponsored by the Coors company and if it is anything less than that anyone who wins an invite would likely demand fellatio performed upon them forthwith based on the impressions given in the ads.  And Coors’s other big promotion or slogan is that it is somehow “colder” than other beers. How the fuck can it be colder? That doesn’t make sense – they’re all from the flipping fridge! It’s brewed in a colder place? Who gives a shit? Is it a superhero beer incapable of getting below a certain degree centigrade? Shut the fuck up.

Now let’s discuss the social ignorance of major brewing companies. According to most alcohol commercials women are magical little hot fairies that appear when you order a drink at bar. They’re just there for our amusement and they’re all incredibly attractive. If this were true I’d be fucking hammered right now. And of course there is the courtesy black guy. This is the house-negro that smiles when his white friend is able to cleverly impress a girl because of the confidence empowered in him by a certain brand of alcohol. Of course every three white guys has one black friend that dresses in white-people garb and gives us a thumbs up whenever we have sex and he doesn’t. I aspire for a day when companies reach the level of still-ignorant, money-driven political incorrectness when an Asian guy, a brown guy & a guy in wheelchair all appear one-to-four with middle-class adult white males in corporate advertising.

If we are to at all slow down the wholesale of this bullshit, incompetently broadcast, racist, sexist and insulting fantasy world we must simply do the opposite of what these ads want us to do. Please, stop buying their shit. If you think a commercial is stupid don’t put down your semi-hard-earned flow for that subpar product. They’re insulting your intelligence and you willingly and knowingly became a dumber person every time you consume that which you are told to consume.