My biggest regret: not ever murdering someone I don’t like

Have you ever had, or have a friend presently, or someone you worked with whom you cannot fucking stand for the life of you? And you see them every goddamn fucking day and they are so predictable their in lack of intellect and social skills that you know exactly what kind of rife horribly annoying action they are going to attempt next? I’ve encountered more than a few of these people in my lifetime; I am sorry to say. Unfortunately, I never got up the courage to put these mofuckers in place. My politeness and fear of confrontation held me back. What I’d really wish I’d done with these people, short of ending their vile existence on this otherwise peaceful planet, is to be as blunt and unrestrained as possible.

Who is to blame for these people? A number of you may argue that no one is – that people are born with certain traits and dysfunctions, and it is up to us, as Christians, to love them for who they are. Well if you think this than you’re either one of these son’bitch annoying people I’m talking about or you’ve never had the pleasure of working or going to school with some of the assholes I’ve had the misfortune to meet.

To answer the above question – I say we blame the parents. Well…we blame the shitty person first for what they do and then we hold the parents responsible. It’s like if someone goes out and shoots up a school and it is found later that the kid who went on the rampage was abused as a child by his mother and father; it is needless to say the parents had part in making their child do what they did. The same could be said for people who eat really loudly. This is fucking disgusting – it’s probably the most annoying, widespread habit I’ve noticed among other members of the human race.  If someone does this, they obliviously have the power to control it – I know I don’t sound like I’m performing fellatio when I eat a rack of ribs or drink hot tea. These people have gotten used to this habit because their parents didn’t tell them not to do it. My folks, in all their faults, would figuratively (and literally) talk a shit on me if I went one decibel over the social norm at the dinner table – never mind sound like I had my face in a muff.

Of course you can do the 180 and be one these people that doesn’t say a fucking word while they’re eating and has their hand covering there mouth through the whole duration of the meal. I think this is too much. It’s polite, yes, but there is no point in eating with someone like this because there is no conversation. A lot of broads do this and some guys too. As long as you don’t talk with you’re mouth full you can say a few short words while you’re chewing on your last bit of food. If you ask these mouth-coverers a simple ‘yes or no question’ it takes them fifteen fucking minutes to answer. It could be something urgent like:

“Hey what time is it? I might need to get somewhere right fucking now or my mother will die! And you’re the only person I know with a watch!”

And these nobles with their mouth covered while eating one corn niblet try and do all these hand signals referencing that they have food in their mouth (which you already know and you are willing to take that risk in order to hear 4 syllables) and they go on a search around the room for a napkin – god fucking forbid they disgrace their family name by opening their mouth for 3 and a half seconds. Finally after they’ve swallowed and digested every bit of edible substance in their body they say:

“I don’t know, I didn’t where a watch today”

This type of over-politeness is a bit too far. I wouldn’t want these aristocrats to be rounded up and slaughtered like their polar opposites – the coffee, tea & soup slurpers/loud eats – but they can tone it down a bit around friends.

But I digress… What I was talking about is annoying people not knowing they are annoying. I always find myself trying to take the high road by charmingly joking about their obnoxious habits or, if pressed, maybe politely making mention of how their regular lunch has a lot of onions in it and as we all know after someone has eaten an onion-heavy meal their mouths can smell like a morgue after a large natural disaster in a third-world country. But they don’t seem to get the point. They stick to their day-to-day aggravating activities as if nothing is going on and they are not bothering anyone. Thus my biggest regret is not ever saying to these people:

“You’re a fucking horrible, annoying, fucked up, anti-social, meal-time retard. Your parents messed up when they raised you and you need to see a psychiatrist to discuss your behavior when you eat with others.  You can’t take a hint and I’ve fantasized about your death.”

Now this may seem like a bit much but we’ve all been down this road at one point or another. You’ve all worked with a Dwight Schrute-like person and everyone has had at least one friend in their lifetime that they’ve thought of as more of a nemesis than a mate.

Of course I don’t want these people dead – that is obviously an almost tragic extreme.  And because of the laws of the land and the morals that exist in society I don’t have the right to take someone’s life (even if it is based on the way they smell or sound in its’ relation to food consumption). However I will admit this: that concerning the worst of the worst human beings I’ve encountered in my social escapades on god’s green earth, at one point or another I have had the thought, while listening to them talk about how much they love the movie Armageddon and at the same time eating/having sex with an onion broth, that if they were to die I wouldn’t be able help but breath a sign of relief because there will so much to look for to.